The Role of Choice In Parenting

I cannot begin to describe how important the role of choice is in parenting. It is far more respectful than becoming dictatorial and issuing demands. Have you noticed that you, and humans, in general, don't respond well to demands?

This is true even when it is a forced choice, like when my nephew told his daughter she could either quiet down at the dinner table or leave the table. in a previous article, "Parenting Difficult Kids" I spoke of the principle of letting our children do as they want whenever possible and taking charge when we have to. "Forced choice" is the way we take charge when we have to while remaining respectful.

Our kids may resent being forced to choose between two options they don't want, but they are still left with the dignity of having the right to choose. For example, when my little daughter would get mad and hit me I would say, "You do not have the choice to hit me, that is not allowed. You can hit this pillow if you want, or just stop hitting me. You pick." Or when she would get too loud indoors, I would state, "Oh, that is your outside voice. You can go outside and use your outside voice, or you can stay inside and use your inside voice". (Implied, "but you can't use your outside voice inside").

You may ask, "What is the role of choice in parenting when my kids break the rule?" Realize that your child just exercised a choice. Respect his/her right to choose. Point out that they just made a choice and that there are consequences for every choice. Then implement the consequence that you have set up for breaking that rule.

We cannot force our children to not break the rules. It is not about controlling them, but about responding to them. Attempts to control don't work. Have you noticed? And they only turn our children against us. Again, I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important the role of choice is in parenting.

I have heard so many times that offering choices and implementing consequences "won't work". Notice the underlying motive in those words - to get your child to do what you want. Putting all your efforts into getting your children to do what you want is what doesn't work. Have you noticed? The role of choice in parenting is key to maintaining positive feelings between us and our kids.

Imposing consequences in not about getting your child to do what you want. It is about having a response you feel good about every time your child chooses to break the rule. For example, when my daughter would chose to hit me or use her outside voice inside, she would lose a privilege, like the privilege of watching her favorite show.

Notice, I have not used the term punishment. Imposing consequences is not about getting even or making the child suffer for breaking the rule. It is a simple "if/then" proposition. "When you chose 'A', you get to experience 'B', and when you choose 'C', you get to experience 'D'.

Parenting is about education, not control or manipulation. The role of choice in parenting is fundamental.

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