The Role of Choice In Parenting

I cannot begin to describe how important the role of choice is in parenting. It is far more respectful than becoming dictatorial and issuing demands. Have you noticed that you, and humans, in general, don't respond well to demands?

This is true even when it is a forced choice, like when my nephew told his daughter she could either quiet down at the dinner table or leave the table. in a previous article, "Parenting Difficult Kids" I spoke of the principle of letting our children do as they want whenever possible and taking charge when we have to. "Forced choice" is the way we take charge when we have to while remaining respectful.

Our kids may resent being forced to choose between two options they don't want, but they are still left with the dignity of having the right to choose. For example, when my little daughter would get mad and hit me I would say, "You do not have the choice to hit me, that is not allowed. You can hit this pillow if you want, or just stop hitting me. You pick." Or when she would get too loud indoors, I would state, "Oh, that is your outside voice. You can go outside and use your outside voice, or you can stay inside and use your inside voice". (Implied, "but you can't use your outside voice inside").

You may ask, "What is the role of choice in parenting when my kids break the rule?" Realize that your child just exercised a choice. Respect his/her right to choose. Point out that they just made a choice and that there are consequences for every choice. Then implement the consequence that you have set up for breaking that rule.

We cannot force our children to not break the rules. It is not about controlling them, but about responding to them. Attempts to control don't work. Have you noticed? And they only turn our children against us. Again, I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important the role of choice is in parenting.

I have heard so many times that offering choices and implementing consequences "won't work". Notice the underlying motive in those words - to get your child to do what you want. Putting all your efforts into getting your children to do what you want is what doesn't work. Have you noticed? The role of choice in parenting is key to maintaining positive feelings between us and our kids.

Imposing consequences in not about getting your child to do what you want. It is about having a response you feel good about every time your child chooses to break the rule. For example, when my daughter would chose to hit me or use her outside voice inside, she would lose a privilege, like the privilege of watching her favorite show.

Notice, I have not used the term punishment. Imposing consequences is not about getting even or making the child suffer for breaking the rule. It is a simple "if/then" proposition. "When you chose 'A', you get to experience 'B', and when you choose 'C', you get to experience 'D'.

Parenting is about education, not control or manipulation. The role of choice in parenting is fundamental.

You can get find more resources at http://www.bestparenthelp.info

Being a Scared Parent

It is the job of children to scare the hell out of their parents. It's the job of parents to spare their children their fear. There is no such thing as not being a scared parent.

Just yesterday an anxious, pregnant mommy asked me what to read to prepare for her baby. I told her she did not need to know a thing about how to parent, she just needed to to her best to manage her own fears. In response to her confused look I added, "because when you are not afraid you are present and intelligent. You will have the presence of mind to know just how to respond to your child in the moment, no matter what the age of your child. You will have access to your own common sense".

When we get afraid we don't think well. We lose our perspective. We become reactive and impulsive. We lose our common sense.

Thus, it could be said that parenting comes down to simply one task. Managing our fears. Having said this, you might now fear not managing your fears. Let me reassure you. It is not about managing our fears perfectly. It is not even about managing our fears well. It is about managing our fears just well-enough. There is nothing wrong with being a scared parent.

As I struggle day to day to spare my daughter my fear I fail a thousand times. Yet, as D.W. Winnicott put it, "love is not about never failing. It is about failing a thousand times, recognizing the failure and making a reparations." I recall the terror when my wife started spotting during her pregnancy.

I recall, not only the awe and excitement, but the dread at my daughter's birth. Then there was my fear of crib death. And when she started crawling around, so much could go wrong....When my daughter got to13... what about sex, profanity, crime and drugs? I'll never forget the fist time she drove alone.

IT IS SCARY TO HAVE KIDS. We could lose them at any time, or something could happen to them at any time. They are vulnerable and there is nothing we can do about it beyond ordinary awareness and care. Being a scared parent is the most natural thing in the world.

Why do I say that it the parent's job to spare our kids our fear? Is it not obvious? Maybe if I point to our kids when they are infants and toddlers it becomes obvious - our fear, taken out on our kids, scares and burdens them. Isn't it our place as parents to help our kids with their fears and not turn to them for help with our fears?

The best help I have found with my fear of losing my daughter or of harm coming to her is to come to terms with the fact that it could happen. It has happened to countless numbers parents across the centuries. It continues to happen today. How do they deal with it? How do they get through it? I have no idea, but I see that they do. Some better than others. Some even well.

There seems to be something deep in the human spirit that allows us to come to terms and even grow from our greatest tragedies and catastrophes. With time, over the long term, people can adjust, can find new meaning, and can even find meaning in their child's harm or death. It seems to be at the foundation of our nature, of all nature to recover and get well.

You can thank your children for doing so well at their job giving you the chance of learning how to manage your fears so you can work at sparing them. Being a parent is being a scared parent.

Happy Parenting.

The Best Parenting Help?

If you are like me, you are always looking for the best, you're always looking to be the best.

As a parent I am looking for the best parenting help I can find. But what is the best? I have struggled with this for years.

One day I came across D.W. Winicott's idea of "good-enough" parenting. He was talking with an anxious mom and he said to her, "You don't have to be the best mommy in the world. You don't even have to be a good mommy. You just have to be good enough"

What a relief!...

But what does this mean? While, I can't really say, it makes sense to me and I have a sense of what it means. Sit with this. Ponder it. Don't you, too, get a feel for what it is to do "good enough", to be "good enough"? If not, give it some time. It will come to you.

If you are like me, your need to be the best will wane. Your need to find the best parenting help will soften. Don't get me wrong, you'll probably still want to be the best and to find the best parenting help. It is just that you will no longer take that need so seriously. You will find that you move past that to a better idea - the idea of being and doing "good enough".

You may find that this is not the best parenting help you have ever read. You may think this is not even good parenting help. Hopefully you will find that it is good enough.

Happy parenting.

You don't have to be a parent alone, even if you are a single parent. Reach out. Contact me. Send me you comments and questions.

For more resources and information go to http://www.bestparenthelp.info/

Parenting Difficult Kids

Are you stumped parenting your difficult kids? Are your kids driving you crazy? Are your kids oppositional, argumentative, defiant manipulative ? Maybe these words will help.

Concept: " Let your children do whatever they want when you can and take charge when you have to".

This was the response I read a long time ago to the question, "What is parenting in 25 words or less?" The profundity of this simple idea has never left me.

I was struck by the realization of how I as a parent had done just the opposite. I recalled all those times I had imposed my will at times when it would be just fine to let my daughter do what she wanted, like the time I took my daughter, then three, for a walk and she stopped to look at a flower, but I thought we should get all the way around the block in the 15 minutes I had; or the time she wanted to play Sorry, but I thought she should practice reading; or the time she wanted pancakes for dinner but I thought they were only for breakfast, or the time... Can you relate?

Likewise, I thought of all the times I had avoided taking charge when I had to, like all those times I had told my daughter to do something and she refused or ignored me and I let it go.

A recent example of taking charge that impressed me was when my great niece, almost three years old, was at the dinner table during Thanksgiving dinner. In her playfulness she became too rambunctious and loud for the event. Her dad gently tried to re-direct her and have her tone it down. After three failed attempts to accomplish this gently, he assertively and somberly asked, "Do you need to go to your time out chair, or can you tone it down? Whereupon she quickly decided she could tone it down.

A corollary: "Avoid power struggles at all costs, but if you have to get into one or find yourself in one, make sure you win."

To be in a position of power (the parent) and not exercise it when needed can be terribly upsetting and confusing for our children. It would be like being stopped by a cop for violating the law and then not having the cop exercise her role. Yeah, we might be relieved to be getting away with something, but at the expense of feeling secure that things are "in order". Children in this situation can escalate their inappropriate behaviors attempting to find the limit, and we can find ourselves increasingly floundering and frustrated parenting increasingly difficult kids.

More Info: BestParentHelp

And some books:
Amen, Daniel: New Skills for Frazzled Parents
Dreikhurs, Rudolph: Children the Challenge
Gottman, John: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Siegle, Daniel: Parenting from the Inside Out
Winnicott, Donald: Talking to Parents

Parenting - The Hardest and Most Rewarding Job

It recently struck me that parenting may be the hardest job in life, and the most rewarding.
I recently realized that I have a lot of experience and knowledge that could help -
Just a life-time of study, work, and experience.
It recently occurred to me that I have a great feel for kids and what it takes to relate to them.
I just decided that I wanted to do something about this.
I want to get the word out.
I want to share information and resources.

Here is one resource to check out: BestParentHelp

And some of my favorite books:
Amen, Daniel: New Skills for Frazzled Parents
Dreikhurs, Rudolph: Children the Challenge
Gottman, John: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Seligman, Martin: The Optimistic Child
Siegle, Daniel: Parenting from the Inside Out
Winnicott, Donald: Talking to Parents

If you are a struggling parent and want support, talk to me, send me your questions.
If your friends or family members are struggling parents send this on to them.
We don't need to do this alone.