Parenting Difficult Kids

Are you stumped parenting your difficult kids? Are your kids driving you crazy? Are your kids oppositional, argumentative, defiant manipulative ? Maybe these words will help.

Concept: " Let your children do whatever they want when you can and take charge when you have to".

This was the response I read a long time ago to the question, "What is parenting in 25 words or less?" The profundity of this simple idea has never left me.

I was struck by the realization of how I as a parent had done just the opposite. I recalled all those times I had imposed my will at times when it would be just fine to let my daughter do what she wanted, like the time I took my daughter, then three, for a walk and she stopped to look at a flower, but I thought we should get all the way around the block in the 15 minutes I had; or the time she wanted to play Sorry, but I thought she should practice reading; or the time she wanted pancakes for dinner but I thought they were only for breakfast, or the time... Can you relate?

Likewise, I thought of all the times I had avoided taking charge when I had to, like all those times I had told my daughter to do something and she refused or ignored me and I let it go.

A recent example of taking charge that impressed me was when my great niece, almost three years old, was at the dinner table during Thanksgiving dinner. In her playfulness she became too rambunctious and loud for the event. Her dad gently tried to re-direct her and have her tone it down. After three failed attempts to accomplish this gently, he assertively and somberly asked, "Do you need to go to your time out chair, or can you tone it down? Whereupon she quickly decided she could tone it down.

A corollary: "Avoid power struggles at all costs, but if you have to get into one or find yourself in one, make sure you win."

To be in a position of power (the parent) and not exercise it when needed can be terribly upsetting and confusing for our children. It would be like being stopped by a cop for violating the law and then not having the cop exercise her role. Yeah, we might be relieved to be getting away with something, but at the expense of feeling secure that things are "in order". Children in this situation can escalate their inappropriate behaviors attempting to find the limit, and we can find ourselves increasingly floundering and frustrated parenting increasingly difficult kids.

More Info: BestParentHelp

And some books:
Amen, Daniel: New Skills for Frazzled Parents
Dreikhurs, Rudolph: Children the Challenge
Gottman, John: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Siegle, Daniel: Parenting from the Inside Out
Winnicott, Donald: Talking to Parents