HOW TO DEAL WITH TANTRUMS

If you are reading this you are probably not feeling that you know how to deal with tantrums. If you are reading this you probably get stressed or distressed when your child tantrums. Yet the key to dealing with a tantruming child is to remain calm.

How do you remain calm when your child is throwing a tantrum? Think about what is distressing you. Are you frustrated? Are you scared? If you are frustrated you are probably judging your child. If you are scared you are probably imaging that your child will get hurt or that something is wrong with your child or your parenting.

What if you were not judging or imagining something frightening? What if you could just observe your child having a fit without any thoughts about it? How long do you think it would last? What do you think would happen? Why not find out?

It may help you to remain calm if you understand what tantrums are about; why children tantrum. To get at this let us differentiate what makes a child tantrum from what keeps a child tantruming over and over. The first is rather obvious, I think. Don’t we all get frustrated when we are unable to get what we want; when we are thwarted? A tantrum is simply an expression of frustration.

What, then, keeps children tantruming repeatedly? You are right if you thought, “giving in to the tantrum”. You may defend, “But I don’t give in to the tantrum all the time”. Giving in sometimes and not at others is the STONGEST reinforcer to keep throwing tantrums.

When you are able to remain calm (relatively), the next step is easier. NEVER GIVE IN TO THE TANTRUM. I know, you think this is impossible, and you are right. However, this is something all parents should strive for. It helps when you realize that by giving in to the tantrum, you are making it more likely that your child will tantrum again.

It can also help to understand why you give in to the tantrum. Is it not to get the tantrum to stop? Is it not because you are in distress? Does it not feel like the tantrum will last forever? In a clam frame of mind you will realize that this is just not the case. The tantrum will end in time. Instead of trying to stop the tantrum have the attitude that your child can tantrum as intensely as s/he needs to for as long as s/he needs to.

By now you should be able to see how to deal with tantrums: a) stay calm, allowing the tantrum to run its course, and b) never give in to the tantrum. The following suggestions support “a” and “b”:

• Make sure your child and your property is safe by removing any objects that could be broken, by shielding your child from sharp corners, or by removing your child to an area that is free of these dangers.
• Stay with your child conveying the following messages in a calm tone of voice.
• I see that you are really upset
• You can be as upset as you need to be for as long as you need to be.
• I will stay with you until you calm down
• There is no way you can get what you want by acting this way. When you calm down we can talk about other ways that you can go about trying to get what you want.
• (Don’t say too much. Talk very little. Be present)
• Never leave your child alone when they are having a tantrum, and do your best to simply be a calm, quiet, patient, loving presence. After all, this is your child, and s/he needs your help at this time.
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Happy Parenting.

For more information click on the links on this blog.

Parenting Do's and Don'ts

PARENTING DO’S AND DON’TS

You may find nothing new in the following list of parenting do’s and don’ts, but read on anyway. You may be reminded of something you had forgotten, something may hit you in a new way, or something might occur to you that you had not thought of before about being a parent.

Each of these parenting do’s and don’ts could be the head of a chapter in a parenting book. Take each as a point of departure, a prompt into reflection, contemplation, meditation about parenting. Hopefully this list will stimulate your own creative thinking.

Needless to say, this list is not comprehensive. It is not an end point, but a beginning point. It might stimulate you own parenting do’s and don’ts. I would love it if you let me know yours.

Happy parenting.

DO remain calm DON'T lose your cool
DO listen DON'T lecture
DO ask, "What were you thinking" DON'T ask, "Why did you..."
DO enforce the rules DON'T let your kids of the hook
DO hold to the limits DON'T give in
DO be firm DON'T be a door mat
DO be consistent DON'T be inconsistent
DO seek to understand DON'T be judgmental
DO take interest in your child DON'T expect your child to take interest in you
DO give your child attention DON'T expect your child to pay attention
DO ask them how they are feeling DON'T tell them how you are feeling unless asked
DO reassure your child DON'T threaten you child
DO praise you kids DON'T criticize them
DO express concern DON'T express disbelief
DO tell them you love them DON'T tell them how frustrated, annoyed, irritated, hurt you are
DO look them in the eyes DON'T glare at them
DO take responsibility DON'T blame
DO express optimism DON'T express pessimism
DO offer cooperation DON'T expect cooperation
DO make requests DON'T make demands
DO offer choices DON'T dictate
DO remember your child is immature DON'T expect your child to act mature
DO be kind to your child DON'T be mean
DO be forgiving DON'T be resentful
DO express appreciation DON'T expect to be appreciated
DO encourage DON'T discourage
DO ask, "How can you...." DON'T declare, "You can't...."

When you can't do the above
DO apologize DON'T make excuses

DO check out the resources and links on this site DON'T hesitate to contact me.

Parenting - Requests vs Demands

Have you ever thought about the difference between request and demands when parenting?

It might seem obvious, but I see parents, and myself confusing these all the time.

So what is the difference? One day I realized that the difference rested in my response to, "no".

If I got angry, resentful, or hurt by, "no", I was certain I had made a demand. Why? Because my child was not free to say, "no". Because I did not respect my child's right to say, "no".

Yet, when I did not mind that my child said, "no", I was certain that I had made a request.

Before you ask your child to do something, stop for a moment, check in with yourself, and see how you would react to his/her, "no". If you are comfortable with her/his, "no", you have made a request vs a demand. If you would be angry that they said, "no" you have made a demand, not a request.

Examples of times that I have made a demand thinking it was a request:
"Will you help set the table?"
"Would you please clean up your room?"
"Please, take the dishes to the dishwasher."
"Would you help me carry in the luggage?"
"Would you help me carry in the groceries?"
"How about you do your homework now?"
"Will you take out the garbage?"

How did I know? Because when my daughter balked or said, "no". I got angry.

There is nothing wrong with making a demand, but there is something wrong with not discerning the difference between a request vs a demand when parenting.

Had I been clear I would not have stated the above as requests but as demands. What would that sound like?
"I need you to set the table now"
"Clean up your room now, or else..."
"You need to take the dishes to the dishwasher now".
"You will help me carry in the luggage now, or else..."
"If you don't help me carry in the groceries you will..."
"You need to do you homework now or else..."
"Take out the garbage or else..."

Did you notice? Even when I make a demand, my child has the choice to refuse my demand and take the consequence for refusing. In other words, they have a choice to make, and the choice is theirs to make. (See my article "The role of Choice in Parenting" of February 29)

It is convenient when we don't confuse requests vs demands when parenting. Our children will appreciate our clarity, and we can be good role models when clearly differentiating requests vs demands.

Happy Parenting

How To Use Discipline In Parenting

This is for those of you who are not sure about how to use discipline in parenting your kids. Here is the short answer. DON'T!

Webster's New World Dictionary defines discipline as: "To subject to treatment that corrects or punishes"; "to train"; " to control"; "to punish".

Do you really think that you needed to be punished, corrected, controlled, or trained to become a decent human? Maybe you do.

The notion that humans are inherently uncivilized, violent, and evil is an old one. The notion that children are inherently cruel and willful and that the job of adults is to civilize them and break their wills has been around for centuries. Do you subscribe to this notion? Many still do.

In invite you to think again. How do you react when you are corrected, punished, or controlled, even if you think you deserve it? If you are like me, with fear and hostility.

Now, there is a whole other perspective about humans, the "Humanistic" perspective, that views humans as inherently kind, generous, and good.

So which is it?

I have come to see that it appears to be both and that our basic natures depend on our situation. When threatened humans appear to act "evil", and when secure humans appear to act "good". In other words, our instincts depend on how we perceive our situation - threatening, or safe.

If you are not going to use discipline in parenting your kids, then what? It depends on their age, of course, but there are guiding principles that can be used at every age.

1. Natural, and logical consequences. A natural consequence when my 3 year old daughter spills her milk is her shock and the need to clean it up before doing anything else. A logical consequence if my daughter refuses to eat her vegetables is that she cannot eat dessert. There are many good books on this, like Rudolf Dreikus' book, "Children, the Challenge"

2. Clear rules with clear, logical consequences for breaking the rules., applied equally to all the members of the family, including the parents. That is, no double standards.

3. Enforce the rules calmly. (Do cops yell at us or reprimand us when they issue a ticked, and if they did would we consider that appropriate)?

4. Follow through. When you speak to your child, or ask your child to do something make sure you get a reply and when you don't, firmly and calmly get their attention.

5. Speak to your child from their own eye level, not yours.

6. Address your child from no greater than arms length. Yes, walk across the room or upstairs.

7. Enlist cooperation, by making sure you are cooperating with your child, and avoid power struggles. When you can't avoid a power struggle, make sure you win.

8. Spend some time each day doing what your child wants. That is, not teaching, or guiding, or advising, or directing, etc. - being with your child as another human, not in your role as a parent. Some have called this "bonding time".

9. Avoid getting into arguments. Instead agree to disagree.

10. Listen, listen, listen, and bite your tongue before speaking, repeating back what you think you heard to make sure you heard right.

11. Observe, observe, observe, separating what you see from your interpretation of what you see. For example you see a man, a woman and a child walking. You think, "mom, dad, and child". Maybe they are unrelated.

12. Respect, respect, respect, and when you don't; recognize it and apologize.

Happy Parenting.