Parenting - Requests vs Demands

Have you ever thought about the difference between request and demands when parenting?

It might seem obvious, but I see parents, and myself confusing these all the time.

So what is the difference? One day I realized that the difference rested in my response to, "no".

If I got angry, resentful, or hurt by, "no", I was certain I had made a demand. Why? Because my child was not free to say, "no". Because I did not respect my child's right to say, "no".

Yet, when I did not mind that my child said, "no", I was certain that I had made a request.

Before you ask your child to do something, stop for a moment, check in with yourself, and see how you would react to his/her, "no". If you are comfortable with her/his, "no", you have made a request vs a demand. If you would be angry that they said, "no" you have made a demand, not a request.

Examples of times that I have made a demand thinking it was a request:
"Will you help set the table?"
"Would you please clean up your room?"
"Please, take the dishes to the dishwasher."
"Would you help me carry in the luggage?"
"Would you help me carry in the groceries?"
"How about you do your homework now?"
"Will you take out the garbage?"

How did I know? Because when my daughter balked or said, "no". I got angry.

There is nothing wrong with making a demand, but there is something wrong with not discerning the difference between a request vs a demand when parenting.

Had I been clear I would not have stated the above as requests but as demands. What would that sound like?
"I need you to set the table now"
"Clean up your room now, or else..."
"You need to take the dishes to the dishwasher now".
"You will help me carry in the luggage now, or else..."
"If you don't help me carry in the groceries you will..."
"You need to do you homework now or else..."
"Take out the garbage or else..."

Did you notice? Even when I make a demand, my child has the choice to refuse my demand and take the consequence for refusing. In other words, they have a choice to make, and the choice is theirs to make. (See my article "The role of Choice in Parenting" of February 29)

It is convenient when we don't confuse requests vs demands when parenting. Our children will appreciate our clarity, and we can be good role models when clearly differentiating requests vs demands.

Happy Parenting

The Role of Choice In Parenting

I cannot begin to describe how important the role of choice is in parenting. It is far more respectful than becoming dictatorial and issuing demands. Have you noticed that you, and humans, in general, don't respond well to demands?

This is true even when it is a forced choice, like when my nephew told his daughter she could either quiet down at the dinner table or leave the table. in a previous article, "Parenting Difficult Kids" I spoke of the principle of letting our children do as they want whenever possible and taking charge when we have to. "Forced choice" is the way we take charge when we have to while remaining respectful.

Our kids may resent being forced to choose between two options they don't want, but they are still left with the dignity of having the right to choose. For example, when my little daughter would get mad and hit me I would say, "You do not have the choice to hit me, that is not allowed. You can hit this pillow if you want, or just stop hitting me. You pick." Or when she would get too loud indoors, I would state, "Oh, that is your outside voice. You can go outside and use your outside voice, or you can stay inside and use your inside voice". (Implied, "but you can't use your outside voice inside").

You may ask, "What is the role of choice in parenting when my kids break the rule?" Realize that your child just exercised a choice. Respect his/her right to choose. Point out that they just made a choice and that there are consequences for every choice. Then implement the consequence that you have set up for breaking that rule.

We cannot force our children to not break the rules. It is not about controlling them, but about responding to them. Attempts to control don't work. Have you noticed? And they only turn our children against us. Again, I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important the role of choice is in parenting.

I have heard so many times that offering choices and implementing consequences "won't work". Notice the underlying motive in those words - to get your child to do what you want. Putting all your efforts into getting your children to do what you want is what doesn't work. Have you noticed? The role of choice in parenting is key to maintaining positive feelings between us and our kids.

Imposing consequences in not about getting your child to do what you want. It is about having a response you feel good about every time your child chooses to break the rule. For example, when my daughter would chose to hit me or use her outside voice inside, she would lose a privilege, like the privilege of watching her favorite show.

Notice, I have not used the term punishment. Imposing consequences is not about getting even or making the child suffer for breaking the rule. It is a simple "if/then" proposition. "When you chose 'A', you get to experience 'B', and when you choose 'C', you get to experience 'D'.

Parenting is about education, not control or manipulation. The role of choice in parenting is fundamental.

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