How To Help Children Who Are Afraid of the Dark

In this article I will briefly describe how to solve bedtime problems when your child is afraid of the dark.There are two approaches to fear. The first is to avoid what scares you (the dark in this instance), the second is to face it with help and reassurance. The first approach seems to lead to a life of being mastered by your fears; the second seems to lead to the possibility of being master of your fears. I know what I want for my child – the latter. If you are like me the following advice on how to solve bedtime problems due to fear of darkness may be helpful.

Here is how to solve bedtime problems when it is because your child is afraid of the dark: After reading or telling a story, hug and kiss your child and lovingly tell your child something like, “I am going to turn out the light now. Good night.” When they protest and cry you can say something like. “I know you are scared. It is OK to be scared. I am going to give you a chance to calm yourself down. I know you can do it. I am going to leave the room now and leave you alone to calm yourself down. I love you. Good night”.

And now you unhesitatingly leave, with no more word, no matter how loudly you child is screaming. How can you do this, you ask? Because you know that if they fail to calm themselves down in “x” amount of time you will come back in and help them.

The time should not be too long and nor to short. How to determine this? A simple formula: your child’s age plus one. If your child is 3, four minutes. If you child is 5, six minutes. And so on.

If your child is still screaming after the allotted time you come back in. DO NOT turn on the lights! DO NOT pick up your child, or take them out of bed. Simply sit down in a chair next to the bed and in a calm voice say something like, “Oh, I see you are still very upset. I am going to sit her with you until you calm down,” THEN TALK NO MORE. If your child tries to engage you in talk or get in your lap you simply say something like, “Oh, it is bed time, not time to visit or sit on my lap. You need to stay in bed and I will just sit here with you until you calm down. You can be as upset as you need to be, as long as you need to be”. Once they calm down, you can say something like, “I am glad you are calm now. It is time for me to leave. I love you. See you tomorrow”. If they get very distressed again you can say something like, “I am sorry you are so upset. I am going to give you a chance to calm yourself down. I know you can do it. I love you”. AND LEAVE WITH NO HESITATION knowing that you can/will come back in if you need to in (their age plus one minute).

Your willingness to keep doing this all night if necessary is what makes this work. I have never met a parent that needed to do this for more than two or three nights.

I invite you to comment away to extend this conversation and to check the resources here.

Happy Parenting.

Parenting Do's and Don'ts

PARENTING DO’S AND DON’TS

You may find nothing new in the following list of parenting do’s and don’ts, but read on anyway. You may be reminded of something you had forgotten, something may hit you in a new way, or something might occur to you that you had not thought of before about being a parent.

Each of these parenting do’s and don’ts could be the head of a chapter in a parenting book. Take each as a point of departure, a prompt into reflection, contemplation, meditation about parenting. Hopefully this list will stimulate your own creative thinking.

Needless to say, this list is not comprehensive. It is not an end point, but a beginning point. It might stimulate you own parenting do’s and don’ts. I would love it if you let me know yours.

Happy parenting.

DO remain calm DON'T lose your cool
DO listen DON'T lecture
DO ask, "What were you thinking" DON'T ask, "Why did you..."
DO enforce the rules DON'T let your kids of the hook
DO hold to the limits DON'T give in
DO be firm DON'T be a door mat
DO be consistent DON'T be inconsistent
DO seek to understand DON'T be judgmental
DO take interest in your child DON'T expect your child to take interest in you
DO give your child attention DON'T expect your child to pay attention
DO ask them how they are feeling DON'T tell them how you are feeling unless asked
DO reassure your child DON'T threaten you child
DO praise you kids DON'T criticize them
DO express concern DON'T express disbelief
DO tell them you love them DON'T tell them how frustrated, annoyed, irritated, hurt you are
DO look them in the eyes DON'T glare at them
DO take responsibility DON'T blame
DO express optimism DON'T express pessimism
DO offer cooperation DON'T expect cooperation
DO make requests DON'T make demands
DO offer choices DON'T dictate
DO remember your child is immature DON'T expect your child to act mature
DO be kind to your child DON'T be mean
DO be forgiving DON'T be resentful
DO express appreciation DON'T expect to be appreciated
DO encourage DON'T discourage
DO ask, "How can you...." DON'T declare, "You can't...."

When you can't do the above
DO apologize DON'T make excuses

DO check out the resources and links on this site DON'T hesitate to contact me.

What To Do When Your Child Misbehaves

Are you tired of looking for things to do when your child misbehaves? Are you tired of trying to figure out how to get your child to behave? Do you wonder why nothing works?

For answers to these question please do contact me. There are many complex issues and no two situations are the same. I can help you figure out what to do when your child misbehaves no matter what their age.

For here and now I am providing a list of DOs and DON'Ts. You may find nothing new here, but read on anyway. You may be reminded of something you had forgotten, something may hit you in a new way, or something might occur to you that you had not thought of before about what to do when your child misbehaves.

DO remain calm DON'T lose your cool
DO listen DON'T lecture
DO ask, "What were you thinking" DON'T ask, "Why did you..."
DO enforce the rules DON'T let your kids of the hook
DO hold to the limits DON'T give in
DO be firm DON'T be a door mat
DO be consistent DON'T be inconsistent
DO seek to understand DON'T be judgmental
DO take interest in your child DON'T expect your child to take interest in you
DO give your child attention DON'T expect your child to pay attention
DO ask them how they are feeling DON'T tell them how you are feeling unless asked
DO reassure your child DON'T threaten you child
DO praise you kids DON'T criticize them
DO express concern DON'T express disbelief
DO tell them you love them DON'T tell them how frustrated, annoyed, irritated, hurt you are
DO look them in the eyes DON'T glare at them
DO take responsibility DON'T blame
DO express optimism DON'T express pessimism
DO offer cooperation DON'T expect cooperation
DO make requests DON'T make demands
DO offer choices DON'T dictate
DO remember your child is immature DON'T expect your child to act mature
DO be kind to your child DON'T be mean
DO be forgiving DON'T be resentful
DO express appreciation DON'T expect to be appreciated
DO encourage DON'T discourage
DO ask, "How can you...." DON'T declare, "You can't...."

When you can't do the above
DO apologize DON'T make excuses

DO check out the resources and links on this site DON'T hesitate to contact me.

Parenting - The Hardest and Most Rewarding Job

It recently struck me that parenting may be the hardest job in life, and the most rewarding.
I recently realized that I have a lot of experience and knowledge that could help -
Just a life-time of study, work, and experience.
It recently occurred to me that I have a great feel for kids and what it takes to relate to them.
I just decided that I wanted to do something about this.
I want to get the word out.
I want to share information and resources.

Here is one resource to check out: BestParentHelp

And some of my favorite books:
Amen, Daniel: New Skills for Frazzled Parents
Dreikhurs, Rudolph: Children the Challenge
Gottman, John: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Seligman, Martin: The Optimistic Child
Siegle, Daniel: Parenting from the Inside Out
Winnicott, Donald: Talking to Parents

If you are a struggling parent and want support, talk to me, send me your questions.
If your friends or family members are struggling parents send this on to them.
We don't need to do this alone.