Helping Your Children Find Their Way Through Fear

For purposes of this article, let us posit that there are only two states of mind – secure states of mind and insecure states of mind. Each has their own unique and opposing characteristics. In secure states of mind we feel optimistic, hopeful, relaxed, open, generous, and safe. In insecure states of mind we experience just the opposite - we feel pessimistic, hopeless, tense, constricted, stingy, and endangered. The essence of the secure states of mind can be expressed by the sense that “it’s going to be OK”, while the essence of the insecure states of mind can be expressed by the sense that “It’s not going to be OK”.

Fear, being afraid, can be thought of as a characteristic of an insecure state of mind. Understanding this can help you help your children find their way through fear.

I like to say, “When hungry, get food; when thirsty, get water; when afraid, get reassurance.” Yet just as there are times when we can find no food or water, there are times when we can find no reassurance and this can amplify our fear to the nth degree unless we understand why this is and what we can do then.

Before answering this it may help to think for a few moments of the principles which move us continually back and forth from secure to insecure states of mind. In its simplest form it can be said that a scary thought, when believed, generates a scared feeling and a scared feeling generates scary thoughts in a mutually reinforcing, circular manner. I call this the vicious cycle. On the other hand we can enjoy the benign cycle where a reassuring thought, when believed, generates a secure feeling and a secure feeling generates reassuring thoughts in a mutually reinforcing, circular manner.

To help your children find their way through fear you can simply help them realize that the reason nothing reassures them is that they are momentarily in an insecure state of mind and they are unable to believe any of the reassuring thoughts you or they can think. In other words, for the moment they are stuck convinced that, “it’s not going to be OK”, and they are unable to believe the reassuring thought that “it’s going to be OK”.

You can remind them that we oscillate between secure and insecure states of mind and that what we believe, what feels real at any moment, is limited by the state of mind we are in. Thus, in an insecure state of mind it is impossible to believe the reassuring thoughts because the frightening thoughts feel all too real. But that does not make them real.

Realizing that what feels real does not make it real (like dreams) and remembering that there are times when we are in secure states of mind and that in those states of mind the reassuring thoughts feel real can help, even as we are in the midst of a panic attack. Not that remembering this makes us feel immediately better (it’s not supposed to), but that remembering this provides us a comforting perspective to keep us company while the insecure state of mind passes.

I hope this is useful, and I invite any questions or frustrations that this may raise.

Happy Parenting.