How to Handle Defiant Kids by Avoinding Defiance in the First Place

(I will address how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant in a separate article.)

To know how to handle defiant kids it will help to understand why kids become defiant and what lies behind defiance. Think of when you become defiant. Is it not when you feel forced to do something you don’t want to do?

Why would anyone force another to do what they don’t want? Is this not how we define tyrants and dictators? Is it even possible to force another to do your bidding? Defiant kids remind us that it is not. Defiant kids remind us that we all have the right to say, “No” – that, ultimately, no one can force anyone else to do anything.

I hear you asking, “Well, what about all those things that they are required to do?”, and “What, are you telling us, that we should just let our kids run wild and do anything they want?” No. I go back to what I said in an earlier article, “Let your children do whatever they want when you can and take charge when you have to”.

The best way to handle defiant kids is to avoid setting up a situation where they can be defiant. To do that, always offer choice. You may ask, “How do I offer choice when I have to take charge?” I’ll illustrate with a couple of examples:

1. When my daughter was around 14, she wanted to go to the movies on a week-night. She had good grades; she was caught up on her homework, she had never betrayed our trust. However, we had a rule – no going out on week-nights. After “discussing” (arguing) for what seemed an interminable amount of time I simply put my foot down saying, “This may make no sense to you. This may be a stupid rule, but there is no way it will change tonight. There is nothing you can do or say to change my mind. There is no way you can get my permission to go tonight. The only way you can go tonight is to break the rule and then accept the consequence of doing so”. She asked if I was telling her to break the rule. I stated that I was not, I was merely pointing out the choice with which she was faced. She somberly sat at the front door until the last minute, and then she stormed off to her room.

2. When my step-son was around 9 he transferred from a private to a public school and on the first day of school he was terrified because he was a painfully shy, self-conscious boy. It was time to get in the car and he refused to go. I was still strong enough and he was still small enough that I could offer the choice, “You can either walk to the car or I can carry you”. I waited a reasonable amount of time. He did not move. I scooped him up and put him in the car. I never had to carry him again.

A corollary to letting your kids do whatever they want when you can is to spare telling your kids what you want. Give them space to get in touch with what they want. Get interested in what they want. Donald W. Winnicott pointed out the paradox that once a child knows what you want s/he is left with the horrid choice of either complying or defying, and in this situation it becomes impossible to know what s/he wants.

Another guideline: when you disagree with your kids about doing something or going somewhere, let them have their way half the time. This creates and maintains an atmosphere that has fairness and a willingness to cooperate at its foundation. Why should anyone want or have their way more than that? Why should anyone have to make the sacrifice of not getting what s/he wants more than that?

In summary, to avoid having to handle defiant kids avoid creating situations in which they can become defiant. You can do this by giving in half the time when you disagree about what to, by inviting them to tell you what they want before you tell them what you want, by always giving them a choice, and by letting them do whatever they want when you, as the parent, decide that is possible.

Happy parenting.