How Do I Get My Child To........................?

We all get upset when we cannot get our children to do... (what we want?). Rather than waste one more second trying to figure how to get your child to..., ask instead, "How shall I respond when my child refuses to do what I want?"

Notice how you do respond when your child does not do what you want and you are trying to figure out how to get your child to do what you want (or think is right). Is it the way you want to be responding? Is it kind? Is it understanding? Is it confident? If it is not, what are you teaching your child? Are you sure this is what you want to be teaching her/him?

Ask yourself, if you are getting upset, "Why am I getting upset? What are my assumptions? How will my upset help?"

If you are anything like me you will notice a subtle, or not so subtle tendency to defend, justify and explain your upset, rather than sincerely question the validity and usefulness of it. You may notice that you are quite convinced that what you want is the right thing, or is good for your child. Even if you are right, is demanding, insisting, forcing and coercing the right thing, or good for your child? Have you noticed how you, your children, anybody reacts in the face of demands?

Why do you suppose we would rather defend, justify, and explain our upset? Is our upset not just a sign of our need to get our way?

Rather than trying to figure out how to get your way, (is this not what you are doing when you are trying to figure out how to get your child to...?) I suggest you spent your valuable time and energy figuring out who should get their way when what you your child wants differs. Imagine the nature and tone of the discussion you might have with your child if you sincerely present them with the challenge of how to decide who should get their way when you differ, and how much each of you should get their way.

Instead of wasting one more second asking, "How do I get my child to...?" ask, "How do I want to respond? How shall I decide who will get their way?"

Happy Parenting.

How to Handle Defiant Kids Once They Have Become Defiant

The key on how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant is taking charge. This is ironic, because the reason kids become defiant in the first place is that parents have not taken charge consistently enough. Thus, the solution is to recommend to parents that they do what they have not been able to do.

That said, there is always the possibility of stepping up to the plate. I recommend parents seek help from parent support groups, parenting classes, psychotherapy, or other instructive resources such as the television show, “Super Nanny” to gain support and skills for taking charge.

Kids’ defiance can be thought of as “bad behavior” or as a call for the parents to take charge. When children “misbehave” they are testing the parents to see if they will take charge. When parents don’t take charge children will escalate their defiance, and they will continue to escalate until the find the limit.

The main guideline for taking charge to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant is to never get in a power struggle you cannot win. Examples of power struggle you cannot win are: attempting to make a child eat, drink, sleep, go to the bathroom, listen, or do their homework.

Once you are caught in a power struggle you cannot win, take charge by openly admitting your defeat. This demonstrates your ability to recognize and take defeat. Recognizing defeat may sound like, “Oh, I see, I cannot make you eat your vegetables (or come home at your curfew hour). You win.” Then move to what you can take charge over. “But if you want desert, you need to eat your vegetables (or if you want to be able to go out next week-end you need to come home on time).”

Here are a few examples of parents taking charge:

• A colleague, mother, and friend whose defiant adolescent son was about to walk out the door after she told him he could not go out jumped in front of the door, fiercely declaring, “if you go out it will have to be over my dead body”.She is still alive.

• A mom whose child refused to get dressed to go to school took her child to school in his pajamas after contacting the school to explain what she was doing.

• When a kid refused to go to bed at bedtime, the parents decided to make themselves unavailable at bed time and they would retreat to their bedroom. One could just as easily enforce bed time (not sleep), by removing a privilege for not going to bed. For example, saying, “If you cannot get to bed at your bedtime, I can’t read you bedtime stories (or let you watch your favorite TV show).” Rudolf Dreikurs’ book, Children: The Challenge : The Classic Work on Improving Parent-Child Relations is an excellent resource on how to implement natural and logical consequences and how to enlist cooperation instead of defiance.

• Another friend had a son that became increasingly disturbed and defiant. At the extreme, he became profoundly obsessive-compulsive and anorexic. He got so ill he ended up in the hospital. There he faced the reality and the choice that he would have to remain in the hospital or start following the doctors and parents rules around eating if he wanted to go home. He found the limit. He is healthy today.

At the extreme one must take steps like my friend who was literally willing to put her life on the line. It is our willingness to go to these extremes that constitutes “taking charge”, and this is the only way I know how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant.

It is our inability to take charge that is at the foundation of our children’s defiance. If necessary, our children will escalate to the point of being a danger to themselves or others and then our legal, medical and child welfare system will provide the much needed limit.

Our inability to take charge does not mean we are bad or inadequate. It just means that when we were children we missed what we needed to develop the skills that the “ordinary, good-enough” parent normally develops from having experienced an “ordinary, good-enough” childhood. Thankfully, we can always develop the ability and the skills to take charge. If you are having difficulty, seek support and help or contact me.

Happy parenting.

How to Handle Defiant Kids by Avoinding Defiance in the First Place

(I will address how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant in a separate article.)

To know how to handle defiant kids it will help to understand why kids become defiant and what lies behind defiance. Think of when you become defiant. Is it not when you feel forced to do something you don’t want to do?

Why would anyone force another to do what they don’t want? Is this not how we define tyrants and dictators? Is it even possible to force another to do your bidding? Defiant kids remind us that it is not. Defiant kids remind us that we all have the right to say, “No” – that, ultimately, no one can force anyone else to do anything.

I hear you asking, “Well, what about all those things that they are required to do?”, and “What, are you telling us, that we should just let our kids run wild and do anything they want?” No. I go back to what I said in an earlier article, “Let your children do whatever they want when you can and take charge when you have to”.

The best way to handle defiant kids is to avoid setting up a situation where they can be defiant. To do that, always offer choice. You may ask, “How do I offer choice when I have to take charge?” I’ll illustrate with a couple of examples:

1. When my daughter was around 14, she wanted to go to the movies on a week-night. She had good grades; she was caught up on her homework, she had never betrayed our trust. However, we had a rule – no going out on week-nights. After “discussing” (arguing) for what seemed an interminable amount of time I simply put my foot down saying, “This may make no sense to you. This may be a stupid rule, but there is no way it will change tonight. There is nothing you can do or say to change my mind. There is no way you can get my permission to go tonight. The only way you can go tonight is to break the rule and then accept the consequence of doing so”. She asked if I was telling her to break the rule. I stated that I was not, I was merely pointing out the choice with which she was faced. She somberly sat at the front door until the last minute, and then she stormed off to her room.

2. When my step-son was around 9 he transferred from a private to a public school and on the first day of school he was terrified because he was a painfully shy, self-conscious boy. It was time to get in the car and he refused to go. I was still strong enough and he was still small enough that I could offer the choice, “You can either walk to the car or I can carry you”. I waited a reasonable amount of time. He did not move. I scooped him up and put him in the car. I never had to carry him again.

A corollary to letting your kids do whatever they want when you can is to spare telling your kids what you want. Give them space to get in touch with what they want. Get interested in what they want. Donald W. Winnicott pointed out the paradox that once a child knows what you want s/he is left with the horrid choice of either complying or defying, and in this situation it becomes impossible to know what s/he wants.

Another guideline: when you disagree with your kids about doing something or going somewhere, let them have their way half the time. This creates and maintains an atmosphere that has fairness and a willingness to cooperate at its foundation. Why should anyone want or have their way more than that? Why should anyone have to make the sacrifice of not getting what s/he wants more than that?

In summary, to avoid having to handle defiant kids avoid creating situations in which they can become defiant. You can do this by giving in half the time when you disagree about what to, by inviting them to tell you what they want before you tell them what you want, by always giving them a choice, and by letting them do whatever they want when you, as the parent, decide that is possible.

Happy parenting.

How To Help Children Who Are Afraid of the Dark

In this article I will briefly describe how to solve bedtime problems when your child is afraid of the dark.There are two approaches to fear. The first is to avoid what scares you (the dark in this instance), the second is to face it with help and reassurance. The first approach seems to lead to a life of being mastered by your fears; the second seems to lead to the possibility of being master of your fears. I know what I want for my child – the latter. If you are like me the following advice on how to solve bedtime problems due to fear of darkness may be helpful.

Here is how to solve bedtime problems when it is because your child is afraid of the dark: After reading or telling a story, hug and kiss your child and lovingly tell your child something like, “I am going to turn out the light now. Good night.” When they protest and cry you can say something like. “I know you are scared. It is OK to be scared. I am going to give you a chance to calm yourself down. I know you can do it. I am going to leave the room now and leave you alone to calm yourself down. I love you. Good night”.

And now you unhesitatingly leave, with no more word, no matter how loudly you child is screaming. How can you do this, you ask? Because you know that if they fail to calm themselves down in “x” amount of time you will come back in and help them.

The time should not be too long and nor to short. How to determine this? A simple formula: your child’s age plus one. If your child is 3, four minutes. If you child is 5, six minutes. And so on.

If your child is still screaming after the allotted time you come back in. DO NOT turn on the lights! DO NOT pick up your child, or take them out of bed. Simply sit down in a chair next to the bed and in a calm voice say something like, “Oh, I see you are still very upset. I am going to sit her with you until you calm down,” THEN TALK NO MORE. If your child tries to engage you in talk or get in your lap you simply say something like, “Oh, it is bed time, not time to visit or sit on my lap. You need to stay in bed and I will just sit here with you until you calm down. You can be as upset as you need to be, as long as you need to be”. Once they calm down, you can say something like, “I am glad you are calm now. It is time for me to leave. I love you. See you tomorrow”. If they get very distressed again you can say something like, “I am sorry you are so upset. I am going to give you a chance to calm yourself down. I know you can do it. I love you”. AND LEAVE WITH NO HESITATION knowing that you can/will come back in if you need to in (their age plus one minute).

Your willingness to keep doing this all night if necessary is what makes this work. I have never met a parent that needed to do this for more than two or three nights.

I invite you to comment away to extend this conversation and to check the resources here.

Happy Parenting.

How To Solve Bedtime Problems

Is bedtime hell for you and you child? It does not have to be. It is easier than you think to solve bedtime problems.

This article will give you an understanding of why bedtime problems arise and how to keep from unwittingly contributing to them.

There are two main types of problems that arise, as far as I can tell. The first comes from your child being afraid of the dark; the second comes from your child resisting going to bed at bedtime…if you have a bedtime.

I will not address the question of whether or not it is good to have a bedtime because I have seen no clear evidence that one is better in the overall development of the child to another. With no bedtime, there can be no bedtime problems. Therefore, this article will address the concerns of those parents who have a bedtime for their children.

Understanding your child’s resistance to bedtime and knowing what to do will go a long way in helping you solve bedtime problems. Children resist going to bed for basically one reason – fear/anxiety. If, as a parent you understand this you will be less likely to get irritated with your child and more likely to reassure your child.

Having a transition time when you tell a story, or read a story can be very reassuring. Children love stories, and our willingness to spend time with our kids, telling them or reading stories implies that we care about them, that we are interested in them. It is also calming and inducing of a trance, or trance-like state, that facilitates falling asleep. Children, and I dare say parents, love this ritual. It is bonding, it is intimate, and it is caring.

It also provides leverage for “enforcing” bedtime. If bedtime is, say at 8:00 or 9:00, and I am going to read or tell a story, my child needs to be ready (teeth brushed and in bed) 10 or 15 minutes before. When being on time becomes an issue, I can then say, “If you want me to read/tell you a story, you need to be in bed by __________.” When they are not in bed by __________, I can say something like, “I can’t read/tell you a story tonight because it is too late. But I can do it tomorrow if you are in bed on time.”

I do not think that I have ever met a child that does not rush to be in bed on time for the story. If you have such a child I would love to hear from you, and we can address this separately.

I invite you to contact me, send me your comments or questions, and check out some of the resources here.

I will take up the problem of fear of the dark in another article.

Happy parenting.

"Mom, Where Do Babies Come From?” - Parent Tips On How To Start This Conversation

Why do parents need tips on how to start this conversation with their kids when they ask, "where do babies come from?"

Could it be that they are scared? What are they scared of?

I know I was until I asked myself, "why am I scared to talk with my child about sex?" I realized that all the reasons I was scared to talk to my children about sex had nothing to do wiith reality. I was scared only because of what I was imagining.

An imagined conversation:

- "Where do babies come from?"

- "Inside Mommy's tummy."

- "How do they get there?"

- "There are seeds inside mommy, just like there are seeds inside of fruits."

This could be the end of the conversation or it could go on.

The point is to answer the question as truthfully and as simply as possible given the age of the child.

Once a child is aware of their genitals, there is nothing wrong with explaining how "the seeds inside of Mommy" get fertilized.

What are we so afraid of? What do we imagine would happen if we told our child about sex? Are we afraid that it would make them want sex? Or what?

There is nothing really to be afraid of. It is all imagined.

Thus, the primary tip for how to start this conversation is to get past your fear, which is coming from your imagination. Once you can see beyond your fear, you can listen litereally to what your child is asking and answer appropriately to the actual question, not to what you imagine the question is getting at.

Notice it is not the parent who is starting the conversation. It is up to the child to start it. Children start the conversation by asking the questions. Just answer the actual questions. It is easy to listen when you are free from your fears. Remember, your fears are the result of what you are imagining, not the result of any real danger.

I invite you to comment away to extend this conversation and to check out the links on this blog.

HOW TO DEAL WITH TANTRUMS

If you are reading this you are probably not feeling that you know how to deal with tantrums. If you are reading this you probably get stressed or distressed when your child tantrums. Yet the key to dealing with a tantruming child is to remain calm.

How do you remain calm when your child is throwing a tantrum? Think about what is distressing you. Are you frustrated? Are you scared? If you are frustrated you are probably judging your child. If you are scared you are probably imaging that your child will get hurt or that something is wrong with your child or your parenting.

What if you were not judging or imagining something frightening? What if you could just observe your child having a fit without any thoughts about it? How long do you think it would last? What do you think would happen? Why not find out?

It may help you to remain calm if you understand what tantrums are about; why children tantrum. To get at this let us differentiate what makes a child tantrum from what keeps a child tantruming over and over. The first is rather obvious, I think. Don’t we all get frustrated when we are unable to get what we want; when we are thwarted? A tantrum is simply an expression of frustration.

What, then, keeps children tantruming repeatedly? You are right if you thought, “giving in to the tantrum”. You may defend, “But I don’t give in to the tantrum all the time”. Giving in sometimes and not at others is the STONGEST reinforcer to keep throwing tantrums.

When you are able to remain calm (relatively), the next step is easier. NEVER GIVE IN TO THE TANTRUM. I know, you think this is impossible, and you are right. However, this is something all parents should strive for. It helps when you realize that by giving in to the tantrum, you are making it more likely that your child will tantrum again.

It can also help to understand why you give in to the tantrum. Is it not to get the tantrum to stop? Is it not because you are in distress? Does it not feel like the tantrum will last forever? In a clam frame of mind you will realize that this is just not the case. The tantrum will end in time. Instead of trying to stop the tantrum have the attitude that your child can tantrum as intensely as s/he needs to for as long as s/he needs to.

By now you should be able to see how to deal with tantrums: a) stay calm, allowing the tantrum to run its course, and b) never give in to the tantrum. The following suggestions support “a” and “b”:

• Make sure your child and your property is safe by removing any objects that could be broken, by shielding your child from sharp corners, or by removing your child to an area that is free of these dangers.
• Stay with your child conveying the following messages in a calm tone of voice.
• I see that you are really upset
• You can be as upset as you need to be for as long as you need to be.
• I will stay with you until you calm down
• There is no way you can get what you want by acting this way. When you calm down we can talk about other ways that you can go about trying to get what you want.
• (Don’t say too much. Talk very little. Be present)
• Never leave your child alone when they are having a tantrum, and do your best to simply be a calm, quiet, patient, loving presence. After all, this is your child, and s/he needs your help at this time.
• 
  

Happy Parenting.

For more information click on the links on this blog.