Freedom

What to teach your children on freedom. A quote from Adyashanti: "Until the whole world is free to agree with you or disagree with you, until you have given the freedom to everyone to like or not like you, to love you or hate you, to see things as you see them or to see things differently-until you have given the whole world its freedom-you'll never have your freedom."(Adyashanti)

Teaching Your Children How to Right the Wrongs They Have Suffered

What would you teach your child about righting the wrongs s/he has suffered? Would you teach “Don’t get mad, get even”? Or would you teach forgiveness? Or would you teach “Get even and then forgive”?

Is it possible to ever get even? Does getting even ever right the original wrong you suffered, or restore what was taken from you, or furnish what you were deprived of?

If you are reluctant to teach your child forgiveness as a way to right the wrongs s/he has suffered is your reluctance because you believe that it is letting others off the hook? What is forgiveness anyway? Is it an act of the one “in the right”, magnanimously exonerating “the one in the wrong”? Or is it a process of coming to see that the wrongful actions resulted from mistaken beliefs, distortions of perception, confusion, unconsciousness, or ignorance? - In other words, innocence?

When we seek revenge what motives have we attributed to the wrong-doer? What assumptions have we made? These are some that come to my mind:

They did it on purpose. They meant to hurt me. They could have acted differently. In other words, they are guilty.

When you have hurt someone, short of having acted out of revenge, were these your motives? Why is the first thing we state when accused, “I didn’t mean to!” In other words, “See me as innocent”.

The belief that we have not done our best, or that we could have or should have done differently or better seems pervasive and universal. In this belief rests our conviction of guilt, for which we are convicted with the resulting feelings of shame, which we may feel are well deserved.

To what end? How does our shame serve us? Does it really prevent us from acting wrong in the future? There is strong evidence that we cannot learn when defensive, frightened and ashamed, that is, feeling unsafe. The evidence is clear that we learn best when feeling safe, because then we are willing and able to risk.

Is it true that we could have done better or should have acted differently? Of course, it is easy to imagine the possibility of having acted better or differently, but in reality if we really could have why did we not? Maybe, given every factor in that moment – our whole history up to then, our physical state, our state of mind, our beliefs and perceptions, and all the factors of the situation itself, we literally could not have acted any differently. This seems more likely to me.

Seeing each other and ourselves as innocent is not the same as letting each other and ourselves off the hook. This idea came to me as “total forgiveness with total accountability”.

If you knew you were instantly forgiven, if you knew you continued to be totally loved and loveable, would you not gladly accept and live with the consequences of your mistakes?

Is our defensiveness and denial of responsibility not just motivated by fear of condemnation, ostracism, and rejection? In an environment that was unconditionally loving and forgiving, would we not be more likely to see the error of our ways, make amends and acts of reparation?

This article asked a lot of questions. Maybe that was a mistake and it irritated you, the reader. If so, I am totally accountable for your irritation and instantly forgiven, even if not by you.

Happy Parenting

How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be When You "Lost It"

In part two of "How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be" I address what to do when you've "lost it". You would have to be a saint to never lose it. We all lose it sometimes, and it can look pretty ugly and it can cause some damage.

So how can you be the best parent you can be when you lose it? By implementing the rule of the three "Rs" - Recognize the harm you inflicted, express remorse/regret, and make reparation. This involves forgiving yourself (which is not the same as excusing yourself or letting yourself off the hook) and then expressing regret and asking for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness is very powerful when it is a sincere request and not a covert demand or manipulation. I used to never ask for forgiveness, feeling that I was already indebted by my misbehavior, so I had no right to ask for anything. One day I realized the underlying self-condemnation and unwillingness to forgive myself implied in that attitude.

I noticed that when I was willing and able to move past my self-condemnation (shame) to self-forgiveness, I was able to ask for forgiveness. It struck me that in asking for forgiveness I was inviting and offering an opportunity for my victim to move from condemnation to forgiveness, while accepting their right to condemn me forever.

I am not talking here about repetitive abuses that are followed by deep remorse and apologies as in an abusive relationship. In this case professional help needs to be obtained. I am talking about the occasional lapses that fall well within the range of what the "ordinary, devoted, good-enough" parent would do. As Winnicott pointed out, parenting is not about never failing. It is about failing and each time recognizing the failure and making a reparation.

Happy Parenting.

How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be

To be the best parent you can be involves understanding when you are at your best. Are you at your best when you are upset and stressed and muddled, or when you are calm and your mind is free and clear?

To be the best parent you can be you just need to discern in what direction you are headed. Is it towards a stressed, muddled state of mind or towards calm? When you are headed in the "wrong" direction you just need to change directions and head back to calm.

Notice, it is not about staying calm. No one can do that. At least not yet. It is about heading back to calm as soon as you notice that you have lost it.

How to do that? REASSURANCE. When we get upset, we all need to be reassured. So look for what will reassure you. The thing is, there are times when nothing reassures us. Then what? WAIT, for eventually you will be reassured. That is guaranteed!

Why am I so confident? Experience. I have noticed that beyond our busy, frightened, muddled thoughts there is deep wisdom. We all have it. Mind, is innately intelligent, creative, and has an infinite capacity for learning and understanding. No matter how lost we get in our personal fantasies and nightmares that deep intelligence, the intelligence of life itself, is always there, just like the understanding and intelligent parent is there for the muddled, panicky child.

We just have to turn to it.

This is the same intelligence that knows when and how to divide your cells, beat your hart, digest you food, tell you when you are thirsty or hungry, heal a wound. It is the same intelligence that figured out how to use a stick as a tool, that figured out how to fly, that split the atom, that created the nano-chip, and that will discover and create unimaginable technology in the next 50 years.

There is no problem humans have faced that their wisdom has not met and solved. There is no problem you have faced up to now that your wisdom has not met and solved. And there is no parenting problem that you cannot face and solve.

We just need to stop long enough to get past our storming, frightened, pressured, racing, personalized thinking. The metaphor of quicksand comes to mind. The way out is to get very still. The more active we stay, the deeper we go. It is no different in the quicksand of our frightened fantasies. These terrifying, angry, despairing, frustrated, resentful thoughts never touch our innate calm, our innate wisdom - any more than the distress of a baby affects the calm of a parent that can see that all is and will be OK.

Every day I hear, "What shall I do to calm down?" because these individuals have not yet found anything that reassures them. And because they have not yet found anything to reassure them they imagine they will never calm down. Now that is a way to stay agitated! And how likely is it?

The truth is, when nothing reassures us there is nothing we need to do. There is nothing to do, but stop and wait. When we are able to stop and wait we allow the calm that is just beneath our agitation to re-surface. Being calm and returning to calm are hard wired into us. They are in your very nature. Even the most colicky, inconsolable child will eventually get exhausted and fall asleep (return to calm).

In summary, to be the best parent you can be you just need to stay as calm as you can and to return to calm as soon as you can. Then your own intelligence, your own wisdom will deliver all the ideas and thoughts you need to address any challenge that arises.

A final point - do you realize that you are ALREADY being the best parent you can be at each and every moment? How do I know? Because if you could do it any better in the reality of the moment you would.

I hope this brief article helps.

Happy Parenting.

How Do I Get My Child To........................?

We all get upset when we cannot get our children to do... (what we want?). Rather than waste one more second trying to figure how to get your child to..., ask instead, "How shall I respond when my child refuses to do what I want?"

Notice how you do respond when your child does not do what you want and you are trying to figure out how to get your child to do what you want (or think is right). Is it the way you want to be responding? Is it kind? Is it understanding? Is it confident? If it is not, what are you teaching your child? Are you sure this is what you want to be teaching her/him?

Ask yourself, if you are getting upset, "Why am I getting upset? What are my assumptions? How will my upset help?"

If you are anything like me you will notice a subtle, or not so subtle tendency to defend, justify and explain your upset, rather than sincerely question the validity and usefulness of it. You may notice that you are quite convinced that what you want is the right thing, or is good for your child. Even if you are right, is demanding, insisting, forcing and coercing the right thing, or good for your child? Have you noticed how you, your children, anybody reacts in the face of demands?

Why do you suppose we would rather defend, justify, and explain our upset? Is our upset not just a sign of our need to get our way?

Rather than trying to figure out how to get your way, (is this not what you are doing when you are trying to figure out how to get your child to...?) I suggest you spent your valuable time and energy figuring out who should get their way when what you your child wants differs. Imagine the nature and tone of the discussion you might have with your child if you sincerely present them with the challenge of how to decide who should get their way when you differ, and how much each of you should get their way.

Instead of wasting one more second asking, "How do I get my child to...?" ask, "How do I want to respond? How shall I decide who will get their way?"

Happy Parenting.

How to Handle Defiant Kids Once They Have Become Defiant

The key on how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant is taking charge. This is ironic, because the reason kids become defiant in the first place is that parents have not taken charge consistently enough. Thus, the solution is to recommend to parents that they do what they have not been able to do.

That said, there is always the possibility of stepping up to the plate. I recommend parents seek help from parent support groups, parenting classes, psychotherapy, or other instructive resources such as the television show, “Super Nanny” to gain support and skills for taking charge.

Kids’ defiance can be thought of as “bad behavior” or as a call for the parents to take charge. When children “misbehave” they are testing the parents to see if they will take charge. When parents don’t take charge children will escalate their defiance, and they will continue to escalate until the find the limit.

The main guideline for taking charge to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant is to never get in a power struggle you cannot win. Examples of power struggle you cannot win are: attempting to make a child eat, drink, sleep, go to the bathroom, listen, or do their homework.

Once you are caught in a power struggle you cannot win, take charge by openly admitting your defeat. This demonstrates your ability to recognize and take defeat. Recognizing defeat may sound like, “Oh, I see, I cannot make you eat your vegetables (or come home at your curfew hour). You win.” Then move to what you can take charge over. “But if you want desert, you need to eat your vegetables (or if you want to be able to go out next week-end you need to come home on time).”

Here are a few examples of parents taking charge:

• A colleague, mother, and friend whose defiant adolescent son was about to walk out the door after she told him he could not go out jumped in front of the door, fiercely declaring, “if you go out it will have to be over my dead body”.She is still alive.

• A mom whose child refused to get dressed to go to school took her child to school in his pajamas after contacting the school to explain what she was doing.

• When a kid refused to go to bed at bedtime, the parents decided to make themselves unavailable at bed time and they would retreat to their bedroom. One could just as easily enforce bed time (not sleep), by removing a privilege for not going to bed. For example, saying, “If you cannot get to bed at your bedtime, I can’t read you bedtime stories (or let you watch your favorite TV show).” Rudolf Dreikurs’ book, Children: The Challenge : The Classic Work on Improving Parent-Child Relations is an excellent resource on how to implement natural and logical consequences and how to enlist cooperation instead of defiance.

• Another friend had a son that became increasingly disturbed and defiant. At the extreme, he became profoundly obsessive-compulsive and anorexic. He got so ill he ended up in the hospital. There he faced the reality and the choice that he would have to remain in the hospital or start following the doctors and parents rules around eating if he wanted to go home. He found the limit. He is healthy today.

At the extreme one must take steps like my friend who was literally willing to put her life on the line. It is our willingness to go to these extremes that constitutes “taking charge”, and this is the only way I know how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant.

It is our inability to take charge that is at the foundation of our children’s defiance. If necessary, our children will escalate to the point of being a danger to themselves or others and then our legal, medical and child welfare system will provide the much needed limit.

Our inability to take charge does not mean we are bad or inadequate. It just means that when we were children we missed what we needed to develop the skills that the “ordinary, good-enough” parent normally develops from having experienced an “ordinary, good-enough” childhood. Thankfully, we can always develop the ability and the skills to take charge. If you are having difficulty, seek support and help or contact me.

Happy parenting.

How to Handle Defiant Kids by Avoinding Defiance in the First Place

(I will address how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant in a separate article.)

To know how to handle defiant kids it will help to understand why kids become defiant and what lies behind defiance. Think of when you become defiant. Is it not when you feel forced to do something you don’t want to do?

Why would anyone force another to do what they don’t want? Is this not how we define tyrants and dictators? Is it even possible to force another to do your bidding? Defiant kids remind us that it is not. Defiant kids remind us that we all have the right to say, “No” – that, ultimately, no one can force anyone else to do anything.

I hear you asking, “Well, what about all those things that they are required to do?”, and “What, are you telling us, that we should just let our kids run wild and do anything they want?” No. I go back to what I said in an earlier article, “Let your children do whatever they want when you can and take charge when you have to”.

The best way to handle defiant kids is to avoid setting up a situation where they can be defiant. To do that, always offer choice. You may ask, “How do I offer choice when I have to take charge?” I’ll illustrate with a couple of examples:

1. When my daughter was around 14, she wanted to go to the movies on a week-night. She had good grades; she was caught up on her homework, she had never betrayed our trust. However, we had a rule – no going out on week-nights. After “discussing” (arguing) for what seemed an interminable amount of time I simply put my foot down saying, “This may make no sense to you. This may be a stupid rule, but there is no way it will change tonight. There is nothing you can do or say to change my mind. There is no way you can get my permission to go tonight. The only way you can go tonight is to break the rule and then accept the consequence of doing so”. She asked if I was telling her to break the rule. I stated that I was not, I was merely pointing out the choice with which she was faced. She somberly sat at the front door until the last minute, and then she stormed off to her room.

2. When my step-son was around 9 he transferred from a private to a public school and on the first day of school he was terrified because he was a painfully shy, self-conscious boy. It was time to get in the car and he refused to go. I was still strong enough and he was still small enough that I could offer the choice, “You can either walk to the car or I can carry you”. I waited a reasonable amount of time. He did not move. I scooped him up and put him in the car. I never had to carry him again.

A corollary to letting your kids do whatever they want when you can is to spare telling your kids what you want. Give them space to get in touch with what they want. Get interested in what they want. Donald W. Winnicott pointed out the paradox that once a child knows what you want s/he is left with the horrid choice of either complying or defying, and in this situation it becomes impossible to know what s/he wants.

Another guideline: when you disagree with your kids about doing something or going somewhere, let them have their way half the time. This creates and maintains an atmosphere that has fairness and a willingness to cooperate at its foundation. Why should anyone want or have their way more than that? Why should anyone have to make the sacrifice of not getting what s/he wants more than that?

In summary, to avoid having to handle defiant kids avoid creating situations in which they can become defiant. You can do this by giving in half the time when you disagree about what to, by inviting them to tell you what they want before you tell them what you want, by always giving them a choice, and by letting them do whatever they want when you, as the parent, decide that is possible.

Happy parenting.