Teaching Your Children How to Right the Wrongs They Have Suffered

What would you teach your child about righting the wrongs s/he has suffered? Would you teach “Don’t get mad, get even”? Or would you teach forgiveness? Or would you teach “Get even and then forgive”?

Is it possible to ever get even? Does getting even ever right the original wrong you suffered, or restore what was taken from you, or furnish what you were deprived of?

If you are reluctant to teach your child forgiveness as a way to right the wrongs s/he has suffered is your reluctance because you believe that it is letting others off the hook? What is forgiveness anyway? Is it an act of the one “in the right”, magnanimously exonerating “the one in the wrong”? Or is it a process of coming to see that the wrongful actions resulted from mistaken beliefs, distortions of perception, confusion, unconsciousness, or ignorance? - In other words, innocence?

When we seek revenge what motives have we attributed to the wrong-doer? What assumptions have we made? These are some that come to my mind:

They did it on purpose. They meant to hurt me. They could have acted differently. In other words, they are guilty.

When you have hurt someone, short of having acted out of revenge, were these your motives? Why is the first thing we state when accused, “I didn’t mean to!” In other words, “See me as innocent”.

The belief that we have not done our best, or that we could have or should have done differently or better seems pervasive and universal. In this belief rests our conviction of guilt, for which we are convicted with the resulting feelings of shame, which we may feel are well deserved.

To what end? How does our shame serve us? Does it really prevent us from acting wrong in the future? There is strong evidence that we cannot learn when defensive, frightened and ashamed, that is, feeling unsafe. The evidence is clear that we learn best when feeling safe, because then we are willing and able to risk.

Is it true that we could have done better or should have acted differently? Of course, it is easy to imagine the possibility of having acted better or differently, but in reality if we really could have why did we not? Maybe, given every factor in that moment – our whole history up to then, our physical state, our state of mind, our beliefs and perceptions, and all the factors of the situation itself, we literally could not have acted any differently. This seems more likely to me.

Seeing each other and ourselves as innocent is not the same as letting each other and ourselves off the hook. This idea came to me as “total forgiveness with total accountability”.

If you knew you were instantly forgiven, if you knew you continued to be totally loved and loveable, would you not gladly accept and live with the consequences of your mistakes?

Is our defensiveness and denial of responsibility not just motivated by fear of condemnation, ostracism, and rejection? In an environment that was unconditionally loving and forgiving, would we not be more likely to see the error of our ways, make amends and acts of reparation?

This article asked a lot of questions. Maybe that was a mistake and it irritated you, the reader. If so, I am totally accountable for your irritation and instantly forgiven, even if not by you.

Happy Parenting

How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be When You "Lost It"

In part two of "How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be" I address what to do when you've "lost it". You would have to be a saint to never lose it. We all lose it sometimes, and it can look pretty ugly and it can cause some damage.

So how can you be the best parent you can be when you lose it? By implementing the rule of the three "Rs" - Recognize the harm you inflicted, express remorse/regret, and make reparation. This involves forgiving yourself (which is not the same as excusing yourself or letting yourself off the hook) and then expressing regret and asking for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness is very powerful when it is a sincere request and not a covert demand or manipulation. I used to never ask for forgiveness, feeling that I was already indebted by my misbehavior, so I had no right to ask for anything. One day I realized the underlying self-condemnation and unwillingness to forgive myself implied in that attitude.

I noticed that when I was willing and able to move past my self-condemnation (shame) to self-forgiveness, I was able to ask for forgiveness. It struck me that in asking for forgiveness I was inviting and offering an opportunity for my victim to move from condemnation to forgiveness, while accepting their right to condemn me forever.

I am not talking here about repetitive abuses that are followed by deep remorse and apologies as in an abusive relationship. In this case professional help needs to be obtained. I am talking about the occasional lapses that fall well within the range of what the "ordinary, devoted, good-enough" parent would do. As Winnicott pointed out, parenting is not about never failing. It is about failing and each time recognizing the failure and making a reparation.

Happy Parenting.