Best Parenting Help

How To Get Reassurance

2010-05-13T04:07:00.001-07:00

1. Write down your fears and stressful thoughts and question them, or try to prove them right. 2. Write down your reassuring thoughts and try to prove them wrong.
3. Shift your attention from what would scare you to what would comfort you.
4. Notice when nothing comforts you and wonder why.
5. Write down what you hear when you are still, and very quiet, and attentive.
6. Use your will to willingly give up your will to the "greater will" (what is happening in the moment).
7. When you notice that you are reluctant to give over your will to the "greater will", investigate what scares you, and question that.
8. Allow what is to be as it is, and when you notice you are not allowing what is to be as it is, allow that too.
9. When you can get no reassurance remember, "this, too, shall pass".

Helping Your Children Find Their Way Through Fear

2010-05-08T22:25:00.001-07:00

For purposes of this article, let us posit that there are only two states of mind – secure states of mind and insecure states of mind. Each has their own unique and opposing characteristics. In secure states of mind we feel optimistic, hopeful, relaxed, open, generous, and safe. In insecure states of mind we experience just the opposite - we feel pessimistic, hopeless, tense, constricted, stingy, and endangered. The essence of the secure states of mind can be expressed by the sense that “it’s going to be OK”, while the essence of the insecure states of mind can be expressed by the sense that “It’s not going to be OK”.

Fear, being afraid, can be thought of as a characteristic of an insecure state of mind. Understanding this can help you help your children find their way through fear.

I like to say, “When hungry, get food; when thirsty, get water; when afraid, get reassurance.” Yet just as there are times when we can find no food or water, there are times when we can find no reassurance and this can amplify our fear to the nth degree unless we understand why this is and what we can do then.

Before answering this it may help to think for a few moments of the principles which move us continually back and forth from secure to insecure states of mind. In its simplest form it can be said that a scary thought, when believed, generates a scared feeling and a scared feeling generates scary thoughts in a mutually reinforcing, circular manner. I call this the vicious cycle. On the other hand we can enjoy the benign cycle where a reassuring thought, when believed, generates a secure feeling and a secure feeling generates reassuring thoughts in a mutually reinforcing, circular manner.

To help your children find their way through fear you can simply help them realize that the reason nothing reassures them is that they are momentarily in an insecure state of mind and they are unable to believe any of the reassuring thoughts you or they can think. In other words, for the moment they are stuck convinced that, “it’s not going to be OK”, and they are unable to believe the reassuring thought that “it’s going to be OK”.

You can remind them that we oscillate between secure and insecure states of mind and that what we believe, what feels real at any moment, is limited by the state of mind we are in. Thus, in an insecure state of mind it is impossible to believe the reassuring thoughts because the frightening thoughts feel all too real. But that does not make them real.

Realizing that what feels real does not make it real (like dreams) and remembering that there are times when we are in secure states of mind and that in those states of mind the reassuring thoughts feel real can help, even as we are in the midst of a panic attack. Not that remembering this makes us feel immediately better (it’s not supposed to), but that remembering this provides us a comforting perspective to keep us company while the insecure state of mind passes.

I hope this is useful, and I invite any questions or frustrations that this may raise.

Happy Parenting.

A Way to Help Your Child Through Fear

2010-05-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

How to help our child through fear:

To not fear being afraid. It is the most natural feeling in the world.
To realize that fear is just the effect of an insecure state of mind - when the sense "It won't be OK" seems all to real.
To remember that in a secure state of mind "It will be OK" is what feels real, and it is just a matter of time before we move back into a secure state of mind. After all, that is the preferred state.

Happy parenting.

What Do I Teach My Child About Wisdom?

2010-04-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

"Remember how many times you thought you knew all the 'facts' you needed for judgment, and how wrong you were!... Would you know how many times you merely thought you were right, without ever realizing you were wrong? Why would you choose such an arbitrary basis for decision-making? Wisdom is not judgment; it is the relinquishment of judgment."(A Course in Miracles)

What do I teach my child about how to live their life?

2010-04-19T22:03:00.000-07:00

Hear what Einstein had to say,
"There are two ways to live your life: One is as
though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle."
Find more wisdom at WisdomPhoneCounseling

Freedom

2010-04-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

What to teach your children on freedom. A quote from Adyashanti: "Until the whole world is free to agree with you or disagree with you, until you have given the freedom to everyone to like or not like you, to love you or hate you, to see things as you see them or to see things differently-until you have given the whole world its freedom-you'll never have your freedom."(Adyashanti)

Teaching Your Children How to Right the Wrongs They Have Suffered

2010-02-17T20:49:00.000-08:00

What would you teach your child about righting the wrongs s/he has suffered? Would you teach “Don’t get mad, get even”? Or would you teach forgiveness? Or would you teach “Get even and then forgive”?

Is it possible to ever get even? Does getting even ever right the original wrong you suffered, or restore what was taken from you, or furnish what you were deprived of?

If you are reluctant to teach your child forgiveness as a way to right the wrongs s/he has suffered is your reluctance because you believe that it is letting others off the hook? What is forgiveness anyway? Is it an act of the one “in the right”, magnanimously exonerating “the one in the wrong”? Or is it a process of coming to see that the wrongful actions resulted from mistaken beliefs, distortions of perception, confusion, unconsciousness, or ignorance? - In other words, innocence?

When we seek revenge what motives have we attributed to the wrong-doer? What assumptions have we made? These are some that come to my mind:

They did it on purpose. They meant to hurt me. They could have acted differently. In other words, they are guilty.

When you have hurt someone, short of having acted out of revenge, were these your motives? Why is the first thing we state when accused, “I didn’t mean to!” In other words, “See me as innocent”.

The belief that we have not done our best, or that we could have or should have done differently or better seems pervasive and universal. In this belief rests our conviction of guilt, for which we are convicted with the resulting feelings of shame, which we may feel are well deserved.

To what end? How does our shame serve us? Does it really prevent us from acting wrong in the future? There is strong evidence that we cannot learn when defensive, frightened and ashamed, that is, feeling unsafe. The evidence is clear that we learn best when feeling safe, because then we are willing and able to risk.

Is it true that we could have done better or should have acted differently? Of course, it is easy to imagine the possibility of having acted better or differently, but in reality if we really could have why did we not? Maybe, given every factor in that moment – our whole history up to then, our physical state, our state of mind, our beliefs and perceptions, and all the factors of the situation itself, we literally could not have acted any differently. This seems more likely to me.

Seeing each other and ourselves as innocent is not the same as letting each other and ourselves off the hook. This idea came to me as “total forgiveness with total accountability”.

If you knew you were instantly forgiven, if you knew you continued to be totally loved and loveable, would you not gladly accept and live with the consequences of your mistakes?

Is our defensiveness and denial of responsibility not just motivated by fear of condemnation, ostracism, and rejection? In an environment that was unconditionally loving and forgiving, would we not be more likely to see the error of our ways, make amends and acts of reparation?

This article asked a lot of questions. Maybe that was a mistake and it irritated you, the reader. If so, I am totally accountable for your irritation and instantly forgiven, even if not by you.

Happy Parenting

How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be When You "Lost It"

2009-11-16T21:34:00.000-08:00

In part two of "How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be" I address what to do when you've "lost it". You would have to be a saint to never lose it. We all lose it sometimes, and it can look pretty ugly and it can cause some damage.

So how can you be the best parent you can be when you lose it? By implementing the rule of the three "Rs" - Recognize the harm you inflicted, express remorse/regret, and make reparation. This involves forgiving yourself (which is not the same as excusing yourself or letting yourself off the hook) and then expressing regret and asking for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness is very powerful when it is a sincere request and not a covert demand or manipulation. I used to never ask for forgiveness, feeling that I was already indebted by my misbehavior, so I had no right to ask for anything. One day I realized the underlying self-condemnation and unwillingness to forgive myself implied in that attitude.

I noticed that when I was willing and able to move past my self-condemnation (shame) to self-forgiveness, I was able to ask for forgiveness. It struck me that in asking for forgiveness I was inviting and offering an opportunity for my victim to move from condemnation to forgiveness, while accepting their right to condemn me forever.

I am not talking here about repetitive abuses that are followed by deep remorse and apologies as in an abusive relationship. In this case professional help needs to be obtained. I am talking about the occasional lapses that fall well within the range of what the "ordinary, devoted, good-enough" parent would do. As Winnicott pointed out, parenting is not about never failing. It is about failing and each time recognizing the failure and making a reparation.

Happy Parenting.

How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be

2009-11-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

To be the best parent you can be involves understanding when you are at your best. Are you at your best when you are upset and stressed and muddled, or when you are calm and your mind is free and clear?

To be the best parent you can be you just need to discern in what direction you are headed. Is it towards a stressed, muddled state of mind or towards calm? When you are headed in the "wrong" direction you just need to change directions and head back to calm.

Notice, it is not about staying calm. No one can do that. At least not yet. It is about heading back to calm as soon as you notice that you have lost it.

How to do that? REASSURANCE. When we get upset, we all need to be reassured. So look for what will reassure you. The thing is, there are times when nothing reassures us. Then what? WAIT, for eventually you will be reassured. That is guaranteed!

Why am I so confident? Experience. I have noticed that beyond our busy, frightened, muddled thoughts there is deep wisdom. We all have it. Mind, is innately intelligent, creative, and has an infinite capacity for learning and understanding. No matter how lost we get in our personal fantasies and nightmares that deep intelligence, the intelligence of life itself, is always there, just like the understanding and intelligent parent is there for the muddled, panicky child.

We just have to turn to it.

This is the same intelligence that knows when and how to divide your cells, beat your hart, digest you food, tell you when you are thirsty or hungry, heal a wound. It is the same intelligence that figured out how to use a stick as a tool, that figured out how to fly, that split the atom, that created the nano-chip, and that will discover and create unimaginable technology in the next 50 years.

There is no problem humans have faced that their wisdom has not met and solved. There is no problem you have faced up to now that your wisdom has not met and solved. And there is no parenting problem that you cannot face and solve.

We just need to stop long enough to get past our storming, frightened, pressured, racing, personalized thinking. The metaphor of quicksand comes to mind. The way out is to get very still. The more active we stay, the deeper we go. It is no different in the quicksand of our frightened fantasies. These terrifying, angry, despairing, frustrated, resentful thoughts never touch our innate calm, our innate wisdom - any more than the distress of a baby affects the calm of a parent that can see that all is and will be OK.

Every day I hear, "What shall I do to calm down?" because these individuals have not yet found anything that reassures them. And because they have not yet found anything to reassure them they imagine they will never calm down. Now that is a way to stay agitated! And how likely is it?

The truth is, when nothing reassures us there is nothing we need to do. There is nothing to do, but stop and wait. When we are able to stop and wait we allow the calm that is just beneath our agitation to re-surface. Being calm and returning to calm are hard wired into us. They are in your very nature. Even the most colicky, inconsolable child will eventually get exhausted and fall asleep (return to calm).

In summary, to be the best parent you can be you just need to stay as calm as you can and to return to calm as soon as you can. Then your own intelligence, your own wisdom will deliver all the ideas and thoughts you need to address any challenge that arises.

A final point - do you realize that you are ALREADY being the best parent you can be at each and every moment? How do I know? Because if you could do it any better in the reality of the moment you would.

I hope this brief article helps.

Happy Parenting.

How Do I Get My Child To........................?

2009-11-08T08:19:00.000-08:00

We all get upset when we cannot get our children to do... (what we want?). Rather than waste one more second trying to figure how to get your child to..., ask instead, "How shall I respond when my child refuses to do what I want?"

Notice how you do respond when your child does not do what you want and you are trying to figure out how to get your child to do what you want (or think is right). Is it the way you want to be responding? Is it kind? Is it understanding? Is it confident? If it is not, what are you teaching your child? Are you sure this is what you want to be teaching her/him?

Ask yourself, if you are getting upset, "Why am I getting upset? What are my assumptions? How will my upset help?"

If you are anything like me you will notice a subtle, or not so subtle tendency to defend, justify and explain your upset, rather than sincerely question the validity and usefulness of it. You may notice that you are quite convinced that what you want is the right thing, or is good for your child. Even if you are right, is demanding, insisting, forcing and coercing the right thing, or good for your child? Have you noticed how you, your children, anybody reacts in the face of demands?

Why do you suppose we would rather defend, justify, and explain our upset? Is our upset not just a sign of our need to get our way?

Rather than trying to figure out how to get your way, (is this not what you are doing when you are trying to figure out how to get your child to...?) I suggest you spent your valuable time and energy figuring out who should get their way when what you your child wants differs. Imagine the nature and tone of the discussion you might have with your child if you sincerely present them with the challenge of how to decide who should get their way when you differ, and how much each of you should get their way.

Instead of wasting one more second asking, "How do I get my child to...?" ask, "How do I want to respond? How shall I decide who will get their way?"

Happy Parenting.

How to Handle Defiant Kids Once They Have Become Defiant

2009-11-06T06:06:00.000-08:00

The key on how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant is taking charge. This is ironic, because the reason kids become defiant in the first place is that parents have not taken charge consistently enough. Thus, the solution is to recommend to parents that they do what they have not been able to do.

That said, there is always the possibility of stepping up to the plate. I recommend parents seek help from parent support groups, parenting classes, psychotherapy, or other instructive resources such as the television show, “Super Nanny” to gain support and skills for taking charge.

Kids’ defiance can be thought of as “bad behavior” or as a call for the parents to take charge. When children “misbehave” they are testing the parents to see if they will take charge. When parents don’t take charge children will escalate their defiance, and they will continue to escalate until the find the limit.

The main guideline for taking charge to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant is to never get in a power struggle you cannot win. Examples of power struggle you cannot win are: attempting to make a child eat, drink, sleep, go to the bathroom, listen, or do their homework.

Once you are caught in a power struggle you cannot win, take charge by openly admitting your defeat. This demonstrates your ability to recognize and take defeat. Recognizing defeat may sound like, “Oh, I see, I cannot make you eat your vegetables (or come home at your curfew hour). You win.” Then move to what you can take charge over. “But if you want desert, you need to eat your vegetables (or if you want to be able to go out next week-end you need to come home on time).”

Here are a few examples of parents taking charge:

A colleague, mother, and friend whose defiant adolescent son was about to walk out the door after she told him he could not go out jumped in front of the door, fiercely declaring, “if you go out it will have to be over my dead body”.She is still alive.

A mom whose child refused to get dressed to go to school took her child to school in his pajamas after contacting the school to explain what she was doing.

When a kid refused to go to bed at bedtime, the parents decided to make themselves unavailable at bed time and they would retreat to their bedroom. One could just as easily enforce bed time (not sleep), by removing a privilege for not going to bed. For example, saying, “If you cannot get to bed at your bedtime, I can’t read you bedtime stories (or let you watch your favorite TV show).” Rudolf Dreikurs’ book, Children: The Challenge : The Classic Work on Improving Parent-Child Relations is an excellent resource on how to implement natural and logical consequences and how to enlist cooperation instead of defiance.

Another friend had a son that became increasingly disturbed and defiant. At the extreme, he became profoundly obsessive-compulsive and anorexic. He got so ill he ended up in the hospital. There he faced the reality and the choice that he would have to remain in the hospital or start following the doctors and parents rules around eating if he wanted to go home. He found the limit. He is healthy today.

At the extreme one must take steps like my friend who was literally willing to put her life on the line. It is our willingness to go to these extremes that constitutes “taking charge”, and this is the only way I know how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant.

It is our inability to take charge that is at the foundation of our children’s defiance. If necessary, our children will escalate to the point of being a danger to themselves or others and then our legal, medical and child welfare system will provide the much needed limit.

Our inability to take charge does not mean we are bad or inadequate. It just means that when we were children we missed what we needed to develop the skills that the “ordinary, good-enough” parent normally develops from having experienced an “ordinary, good-enough” childhood. Thankfully, we can always develop the ability and the skills to take charge. If you are having difficulty, seek support and help or contact me.

Happy parenting.

How to Handle Defiant Kids by Avoinding Defiance in the First Place

2009-10-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

(I will address how to handle defiant kids once they have become defiant in a separate article.)

To know how to handle defiant kids it will help to understand why kids become defiant and what lies behind defiance. Think of when you become defiant. Is it not when you feel forced to do something you don’t want to do?

Why would anyone force another to do what they don’t want? Is this not how we define tyrants and dictators? Is it even possible to force another to do your bidding? Defiant kids remind us that it is not. Defiant kids remind us that we all have the right to say, “No” – that, ultimately, no one can force anyone else to do anything.

I hear you asking, “Well, what about all those things that they are required to do?”, and “What, are you telling us, that we should just let our kids run wild and do anything they want?” No. I go back to what I said in an earlier article, “Let your children do whatever they want when you can and take charge when you have to”.

The best way to handle defiant kids is to avoid setting up a situation where they can be defiant. To do that, always offer choice. You may ask, “How do I offer choice when I have to take charge?” I’ll illustrate with a couple of examples:

When my daughter was around 14, she wanted to go to the movies on a week-night. She had good grades; she was caught up on her homework, she had never betrayed our trust. However, we had a rule – no going out on week-nights. After “discussing” (arguing) for what seemed an interminable amount of time I simply put my foot down saying, “This may make no sense to you. This may be a stupid rule, but there is no way it will change tonight. There is nothing you can do or say to change my mind. There is no way you can get my permission to go tonight. The only way you can go tonight is to break the rule and then accept the consequence of doing so”. She asked if I was telling her to break the rule. I stated that I was not, I was merely pointing out the choice with which she was faced. She somberly sat at the front door until the last minute, and then she stormed off to her room.

When my step-son was around 9 he transferred from a private to a public school and on the first day of school he was terrified because he was a painfully shy, self-conscious boy. It was time to get in the car and he refused to go. I was still strong enough and he was still small enough that I could offer the choice, “You can either walk to the car or I can carry you”. I waited a reasonable amount of time. He did not move. I scooped him up and put him in the car. I never had to carry him again.

A corollary to letting your kids do whatever they want when you can is to spare telling your kids what you want. Give them space to get in touch with what they want. Get interested in what they want. Donald W. Winnicott pointed out the paradox that once a child knows what you want s/he is left with the horrid choice of either complying or defying, and in this situation it becomes impossible to know what s/he wants.

Another guideline: when you disagree with your kids about doing something or going somewhere, let them have their way half the time. This creates and maintains an atmosphere that has fairness and a willingness to cooperate at its foundation. Why should anyone want or have their way more than that? Why should anyone have to make the sacrifice of not getting what s/he wants more than that?

In summary, to avoid having to handle defiant kids avoid creating situations in which they can become defiant. You can do this by giving in half the time when you disagree about what to, by inviting them to tell you what they want before you tell them what you want, by always giving them a choice, and by letting them do whatever they want when you, as the parent, decide that is possible.

Happy parenting.

How To Help Children Who Are Afraid of the Dark

2009-06-27T00:50:00.001-07:00

In this article I will briefly describe how to solve bedtime problems when your child is afraid of the dark.There are two approaches to fear. The first is to avoid what scares you (the dark in this instance), the second is to face it with help and reassurance. The first approach seems to lead to a life of being mastered by your fears; the second seems to lead to the possibility of being master of your fears. I know what I want for my child – the latter. If you are like me the following advice on how to solve bedtime problems due to fear of darkness may be helpful.

Here is how to solve bedtime problems when it is because your child is afraid of the dark: After reading or telling a story, hug and kiss your child and lovingly tell your child something like, “I am going to turn out the light now. Good night.” When they protest and cry you can say something like. “I know you are scared. It is OK to be scared. I am going to give you a chance to calm yourself down. I know you can do it. I am going to leave the room now and leave you alone to calm yourself down. I love you. Good night”.

And now you unhesitatingly leave, with no more word, no matter how loudly you child is screaming. How can you do this, you ask? Because you know that if they fail to calm themselves down in “x” amount of time you will come back in and help them.

The time should not be too long and nor to short. How to determine this? A simple formula: your child’s age plus one. If your child is 3, four minutes. If you child is 5, six minutes. And so on.

If your child is still screaming after the allotted time you come back in. DO NOT turn on the lights! DO NOT pick up your child, or take them out of bed. Simply sit down in a chair next to the bed and in a calm voice say something like, “Oh, I see you are still very upset. I am going to sit her with you until you calm down,” THEN TALK NO MORE. If your child tries to engage you in talk or get in your lap you simply say something like, “Oh, it is bed time, not time to visit or sit on my lap. You need to stay in bed and I will just sit here with you until you calm down. You can be as upset as you need to be, as long as you need to be”. Once they calm down, you can say something like, “I am glad you are calm now. It is time for me to leave. I love you. See you tomorrow”. If they get very distressed again you can say something like, “I am sorry you are so upset. I am going to give you a chance to calm yourself down. I know you can do it. I love you”. AND LEAVE WITH NO HESITATION knowing that you can/will come back in if you need to in (their age plus one minute).

Your willingness to keep doing this all night if necessary is what makes this work. I have never met a parent that needed to do this for more than two or three nights.

I invite you to comment away to extend this conversation and to check the resources here.

Happy Parenting.

How To Solve Bedtime Problems

2009-06-27T00:31:00.001-07:00

Is bedtime hell for you and you child? It does not have to be. It is easier than you think to solve bedtime problems.

This article will give you an understanding of why bedtime problems arise and how to keep from unwittingly contributing to them.

There are two main types of problems that arise, as far as I can tell. The first comes from your child being afraid of the dark; the second comes from your child resisting going to bed at bedtime…if you have a bedtime.

I will not address the question of whether or not it is good to have a bedtime because I have seen no clear evidence that one is better in the overall development of the child to another. With no bedtime, there can be no bedtime problems. Therefore, this article will address the concerns of those parents who have a bedtime for their children.

Understanding your child’s resistance to bedtime and knowing what to do will go a long way in helping you solve bedtime problems. Children resist going to bed for basically one reason – fear/anxiety. If, as a parent you understand this you will be less likely to get irritated with your child and more likely to reassure your child.

Having a transition time when you tell a story, or read a story can be very reassuring. Children love stories, and our willingness to spend time with our kids, telling them or reading stories implies that we care about them, that we are interested in them. It is also calming and inducing of a trance, or trance-like state, that facilitates falling asleep. Children, and I dare say parents, love this ritual. It is bonding, it is intimate, and it is caring.

It also provides leverage for “enforcing” bedtime. If bedtime is, say at 8:00 or 9:00, and I am going to read or tell a story, my child needs to be ready (teeth brushed and in bed) 10 or 15 minutes before. When being on time becomes an issue, I can then say, “If you want me to read/tell you a story, you need to be in bed by __________.” When they are not in bed by __________, I can say something like, “I can’t read/tell you a story tonight because it is too late. But I can do it tomorrow if you are in bed on time.”

I do not think that I have ever met a child that does not rush to be in bed on time for the story. If you have such a child I would love to hear from you, and we can address this separately.

I invite you to contact me, send me your comments or questions, and check out some of the resources here.

I will take up the problem of fear of the dark in another article.

Happy parenting.

"Mom, Where Do Babies Come From?” - Parent Tips On How To Start This Conversation

2009-04-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

Why do parents need tips on how to start this conversation with their kids when they ask, "where do babies come from?"

Could it be that they are scared? What are they scared of?

I know I was until I asked myself, "why am I scared to talk with my child about sex?" I realized that all the reasons I was scared to talk to my children about sex had nothing to do wiith reality. I was scared only because of what I was imagining.

An imagined conversation:

- "Where do babies come from?"

- "Inside Mommy's tummy."

- "How do they get there?"

- "There are seeds inside mommy, just like there are seeds inside of fruits."

This could be the end of the conversation or it could go on.

The point is to answer the question as truthfully and as simply as possible given the age of the child.

Once a child is aware of their genitals, there is nothing wrong with explaining how "the seeds inside of Mommy" get fertilized.

What are we so afraid of? What do we imagine would happen if we told our child about sex? Are we afraid that it would make them want sex? Or what?

There is nothing really to be afraid of. It is all imagined.

Thus, the primary tip for how to start this conversation is to get past your fear, which is coming from your imagination. Once you can see beyond your fear, you can listen litereally to what your child is asking and answer appropriately to the actual question, not to what you imagine the question is getting at.

Notice it is not the parent who is starting the conversation. It is up to the child to start it. Children start the conversation by asking the questions. Just answer the actual questions. It is easy to listen when you are free from your fears. Remember, your fears are the result of what you are imagining, not the result of any real danger.

I invite you to comment away to extend this conversation and to check out the links on this blog.

HOW TO DEAL WITH TANTRUMS

2009-04-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

If you are reading this you are probably not feeling that you know how to deal with tantrums. If you are reading this you probably get stressed or distressed when your child tantrums. Yet the key to dealing with a tantruming child is to remain calm.

How do you remain calm when your child is throwing a tantrum? Think about what is distressing you. Are you frustrated? Are you scared? If you are frustrated you are probably judging your child. If you are scared you are probably imaging that your child will get hurt or that something is wrong with your child or your parenting.

What if you were not judging or imagining something frightening? What if you could just observe your child having a fit without any thoughts about it? How long do you think it would last? What do you think would happen? Why not find out?

It may help you to remain calm if you understand what tantrums are about; why children tantrum. To get at this let us differentiate what makes a child tantrum from what keeps a child tantruming over and over. The first is rather obvious, I think. Don’t we all get frustrated when we are unable to get what we want; when we are thwarted? A tantrum is simply an expression of frustration.

What, then, keeps children tantruming repeatedly? You are right if you thought, “giving in to the tantrum”. You may defend, “But I don’t give in to the tantrum all the time”. Giving in sometimes and not at others is the STONGEST reinforcer to keep throwing tantrums.

When you are able to remain calm (relatively), the next step is easier. NEVER GIVE IN TO THE TANTRUM. I know, you think this is impossible, and you are right. However, this is something all parents should strive for. It helps when you realize that by giving in to the tantrum, you are making it more likely that your child will tantrum again.

It can also help to understand why you give in to the tantrum. Is it not to get the tantrum to stop? Is it not because you are in distress? Does it not feel like the tantrum will last forever? In a clam frame of mind you will realize that this is just not the case. The tantrum will end in time. Instead of trying to stop the tantrum have the attitude that your child can tantrum as intensely as s/he needs to for as long as s/he needs to.

By now you should be able to see how to deal with tantrums: a) stay calm, allowing the tantrum to run its course, and b) never give in to the tantrum. The following suggestions support “a” and “b”:

Make sure your child and your property is safe by removing any objects that could be broken, by shielding your child from sharp corners, or by removing your child to an area that is free of these dangers.
Stay with your child conveying the following messages in a calm tone of voice.

I see that you are really upset
You can be as upset as you need to be for as long as you need to be.
I will stay with you until you calm down
There is no way you can get what you want by acting this way. When you calm down we can talk about other ways that you can go about trying to get what you want.
(Don’t say too much. Talk very little. Be present)

Never leave your child alone when they are having a tantrum, and do your best to simply be a calm, quiet, patient, loving presence. After all, this is your child, and s/he needs your help at this time.

Happy Parenting.

For more information click on the links on this blog.

Parenting Do's and Don'ts

2009-03-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

PARENTING DO’S AND DON’TS

You may find nothing new in the following list of parenting do’s and don’ts, but read on anyway. You may be reminded of something you had forgotten, something may hit you in a new way, or something might occur to you that you had not thought of before about being a parent.

Each of these parenting do’s and don’ts could be the head of a chapter in a parenting book. Take each as a point of departure, a prompt into reflection, contemplation, meditation about parenting. Hopefully this list will stimulate your own creative thinking.

Needless to say, this list is not comprehensive. It is not an end point, but a beginning point. It might stimulate you own parenting do’s and don’ts. I would love it if you let me know yours.

Happy parenting.

DO remain calm DON'T lose your cool
DO listen DON'T lecture
DO ask, "What were you thinking" DON'T ask, "Why did you..."
DO enforce the rules DON'T let your kids of the hook
DO hold to the limits DON'T give in
DO be firm DON'T be a door mat
DO be consistent DON'T be inconsistent
DO seek to understand DON'T be judgmental
DO take interest in your child DON'T expect your child to take interest in you
DO give your child attention DON'T expect your child to pay attention
DO ask them how they are feeling DON'T tell them how you are feeling unless asked
DO reassure your child DON'T threaten you child
DO praise you kids DON'T criticize them
DO express concern DON'T express disbelief
DO tell them you love them DON'T tell them how frustrated, annoyed, irritated, hurt you are
DO look them in the eyes DON'T glare at them
DO take responsibility DON'T blame
DO express optimism DON'T express pessimism
DO offer cooperation DON'T expect cooperation
DO make requests DON'T make demands
DO offer choices DON'T dictate
DO remember your child is immature DON'T expect your child to act mature
DO be kind to your child DON'T be mean
DO be forgiving DON'T be resentful
DO express appreciation DON'T expect to be appreciated
DO encourage DON'T discourage
DO ask, "How can you...." DON'T declare, "You can't...."

When you can't do the above
DO apologize DON'T make excuses

DO check out the resources and links on this site DON'T hesitate to contact me.

What To Do When Your Child Misbehaves

2009-03-21T08:39:00.001-07:00

Are you tired of looking for things to do when your child misbehaves? Are you tired of trying to figure out how to get your child to behave? Do you wonder why nothing works?

For answers to these question please do contact me. There are many complex issues and no two situations are the same. I can help you figure out what to do when your child misbehaves no matter what their age.

For here and now I am providing a list of DOs and DON'Ts. You may find nothing new here, but read on anyway. You may be reminded of something you had forgotten, something may hit you in a new way, or something might occur to you that you had not thought of before about what to do when your child misbehaves.

DO remain calm DON'T lose your cool
DO listen DON'T lecture
DO ask, "What were you thinking" DON'T ask, "Why did you..."
DO enforce the rules DON'T let your kids of the hook
DO hold to the limits DON'T give in
DO be firm DON'T be a door mat
DO be consistent DON'T be inconsistent
DO seek to understand DON'T be judgmental
DO take interest in your child DON'T expect your child to take interest in you
DO give your child attention DON'T expect your child to pay attention
DO ask them how they are feeling DON'T tell them how you are feeling unless asked
DO reassure your child DON'T threaten you child
DO praise you kids DON'T criticize them
DO express concern DON'T express disbelief
DO tell them you love them DON'T tell them how frustrated, annoyed, irritated, hurt you are
DO look them in the eyes DON'T glare at them
DO take responsibility DON'T blame
DO express optimism DON'T express pessimism
DO offer cooperation DON'T expect cooperation
DO make requests DON'T make demands
DO offer choices DON'T dictate
DO remember your child is immature DON'T expect your child to act mature
DO be kind to your child DON'T be mean
DO be forgiving DON'T be resentful
DO express appreciation DON'T expect to be appreciated
DO encourage DON'T discourage
DO ask, "How can you...." DON'T declare, "You can't...."

When you can't do the above
DO apologize DON'T make excuses

DO check out the resources and links on this site DON'T hesitate to contact me.

Parenting - Requests vs Demands

2009-03-07T16:10:00.001-08:00

Have you ever thought about the difference between request and demands when parenting?

It might seem obvious, but I see parents, and myself confusing these all the time.

So what is the difference? One day I realized that the difference rested in my response to, "no".

If I got angry, resentful, or hurt by, "no", I was certain I had made a demand. Why? Because my child was not free to say, "no". Because I did not respect my child's right to say, "no".

Yet, when I did not mind that my child said, "no", I was certain that I had made a request.

Before you ask your child to do something, stop for a moment, check in with yourself, and see how you would react to his/her, "no". If you are comfortable with her/his, "no", you have made a request vs a demand. If you would be angry that they said, "no" you have made a demand, not a request.

Examples of times that I have made a demand thinking it was a request:
"Will you help set the table?"
"Would you please clean up your room?"
"Please, take the dishes to the dishwasher."
"Would you help me carry in the luggage?"
"Would you help me carry in the groceries?"
"How about you do your homework now?"
"Will you take out the garbage?"

How did I know? Because when my daughter balked or said, "no". I got angry.

There is nothing wrong with making a demand, but there is something wrong with not discerning the difference between a request vs a demand when parenting.

Had I been clear I would not have stated the above as requests but as demands. What would that sound like?
"I need you to set the table now"
"Clean up your room now, or else..."
"You need to take the dishes to the dishwasher now".
"You will help me carry in the luggage now, or else..."
"If you don't help me carry in the groceries you will..."
"You need to do you homework now or else..."
"Take out the garbage or else..."

Did you notice? Even when I make a demand, my child has the choice to refuse my demand and take the consequence for refusing. In other words, they have a choice to make, and the choice is theirs to make. (See my article "The role of Choice in Parenting" of February 29)

It is convenient when we don't confuse requests vs demands when parenting. Our children will appreciate our clarity, and we can be good role models when clearly differentiating requests vs demands.

Happy Parenting

How To Use Discipline In Parenting

2009-03-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

This is for those of you who are not sure about how to use discipline in parenting your kids. Here is the short answer. DON'T!

Webster's New World Dictionary defines discipline as: "To subject to treatment that corrects or punishes"; "to train"; " to control"; "to punish".

Do you really think that you needed to be punished, corrected, controlled, or trained to become a decent human? Maybe you do.

The notion that humans are inherently uncivilized, violent, and evil is an old one. The notion that children are inherently cruel and willful and that the job of adults is to civilize them and break their wills has been around for centuries. Do you subscribe to this notion? Many still do.

In invite you to think again. How do you react when you are corrected, punished, or controlled, even if you think you deserve it? If you are like me, with fear and hostility.

Now, there is a whole other perspective about humans, the "Humanistic" perspective, that views humans as inherently kind, generous, and good.

So which is it?

I have come to see that it appears to be both and that our basic natures depend on our situation. When threatened humans appear to act "evil", and when secure humans appear to act "good". In other words, our instincts depend on how we perceive our situation - threatening, or safe.

If you are not going to use discipline in parenting your kids, then what? It depends on their age, of course, but there are guiding principles that can be used at every age.

1. Natural, and logical consequences. A natural consequence when my 3 year old daughter spills her milk is her shock and the need to clean it up before doing anything else. A logical consequence if my daughter refuses to eat her vegetables is that she cannot eat dessert. There are many good books on this, like Rudolf Dreikus' book, "Children, the Challenge"

2. Clear rules with clear, logical consequences for breaking the rules., applied equally to all the members of the family, including the parents. That is, no double standards.

3. Enforce the rules calmly. (Do cops yell at us or reprimand us when they issue a ticked, and if they did would we consider that appropriate)?

4. Follow through. When you speak to your child, or ask your child to do something make sure you get a reply and when you don't, firmly and calmly get their attention.

5. Speak to your child from their own eye level, not yours.

6. Address your child from no greater than arms length. Yes, walk across the room or upstairs.

7. Enlist cooperation, by making sure you are cooperating with your child, and avoid power struggles. When you can't avoid a power struggle, make sure you win.

8. Spend some time each day doing what your child wants. That is, not teaching, or guiding, or advising, or directing, etc. - being with your child as another human, not in your role as a parent. Some have called this "bonding time".

9. Avoid getting into arguments. Instead agree to disagree.

10. Listen, listen, listen, and bite your tongue before speaking, repeating back what you think you heard to make sure you heard right.

11. Observe, observe, observe, separating what you see from your interpretation of what you see. For example you see a man, a woman and a child walking. You think, "mom, dad, and child". Maybe they are unrelated.

12. Respect, respect, respect, and when you don't; recognize it and apologize.

Happy Parenting.

The Role of Choice In Parenting

2009-02-19T06:35:00.000-08:00

I cannot begin to describe how important the role of choice is in parenting. It is far more respectful than becoming dictatorial and issuing demands. Have you noticed that you, and humans, in general, don't respond well to demands?

This is true even when it is a forced choice, like when my nephew told his daughter she could either quiet down at the dinner table or leave the table. in a previous article, "Parenting Difficult Kids" I spoke of the principle of letting our children do as they want whenever possible and taking charge when we have to. "Forced choice" is the way we take charge when we have to while remaining respectful.

Our kids may resent being forced to choose between two options they don't want, but they are still left with the dignity of having the right to choose. For example, when my little daughter would get mad and hit me I would say, "You do not have the choice to hit me, that is not allowed. You can hit this pillow if you want, or just stop hitting me. You pick." Or when she would get too loud indoors, I would state, "Oh, that is your outside voice. You can go outside and use your outside voice, or you can stay inside and use your inside voice". (Implied, "but you can't use your outside voice inside").

You may ask, "What is the role of choice in parenting when my kids break the rule?" Realize that your child just exercised a choice. Respect his/her right to choose. Point out that they just made a choice and that there are consequences for every choice. Then implement the consequence that you have set up for breaking that rule.

We cannot force our children to not break the rules. It is not about controlling them, but about responding to them. Attempts to control don't work. Have you noticed? And they only turn our children against us. Again, I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important the role of choice is in parenting.

I have heard so many times that offering choices and implementing consequences "won't work". Notice the underlying motive in those words - to get your child to do what you want. Putting all your efforts into getting your children to do what you want is what doesn't work. Have you noticed? The role of choice in parenting is key to maintaining positive feelings between us and our kids.

Imposing consequences in not about getting your child to do what you want. It is about having a response you feel good about every time your child chooses to break the rule. For example, when my daughter would chose to hit me or use her outside voice inside, she would lose a privilege, like the privilege of watching her favorite show.

Notice, I have not used the term punishment. Imposing consequences is not about getting even or making the child suffer for breaking the rule. It is a simple "if/then" proposition. "When you chose 'A', you get to experience 'B', and when you choose 'C', you get to experience 'D'.

Parenting is about education, not control or manipulation. The role of choice in parenting is fundamental.

You can get find more resources at http://www.bestparenthelp.info

Being a Scared Parent

2009-02-07T10:49:00.000-08:00

It is the job of children to scare the hell out of their parents. It's the job of parents to spare their children their fear. There is no such thing as not being a scared parent.

Just yesterday an anxious, pregnant mommy asked me what to read to prepare for her baby. I told her she did not need to know a thing about how to parent, she just needed to to her best to manage her own fears. In response to her confused look I added, "because when you are not afraid you are present and intelligent. You will have the presence of mind to know just how to respond to your child in the moment, no matter what the age of your child. You will have access to your own common sense".

When we get afraid we don't think well. We lose our perspective. We become reactive and impulsive. We lose our common sense.

Thus, it could be said that parenting comes down to simply one task. Managing our fears. Having said this, you might now fear not managing your fears. Let me reassure you. It is not about managing our fears perfectly. It is not even about managing our fears well. It is about managing our fears just well-enough. There is nothing wrong with being a scared parent.

As I struggle day to day to spare my daughter my fear I fail a thousand times. Yet, as D.W. Winnicott put it, "love is not about never failing. It is about failing a thousand times, recognizing the failure and making a reparations." I recall the terror when my wife started spotting during her pregnancy.

I recall, not only the awe and excitement, but the dread at my daughter's birth. Then there was my fear of crib death. And when she started crawling around, so much could go wrong....When my daughter got to13... what about sex, profanity, crime and drugs? I'll never forget the fist time she drove alone.

IT IS SCARY TO HAVE KIDS. We could lose them at any time, or something could happen to them at any time. They are vulnerable and there is nothing we can do about it beyond ordinary awareness and care. Being a scared parent is the most natural thing in the world.

Why do I say that it the parent's job to spare our kids our fear? Is it not obvious? Maybe if I point to our kids when they are infants and toddlers it becomes obvious - our fear, taken out on our kids, scares and burdens them. Isn't it our place as parents to help our kids with their fears and not turn to them for help with our fears?

The best help I have found with my fear of losing my daughter or of harm coming to her is to come to terms with the fact that it could happen. It has happened to countless numbers parents across the centuries. It continues to happen today. How do they deal with it? How do they get through it? I have no idea, but I see that they do. Some better than others. Some even well.

There seems to be something deep in the human spirit that allows us to come to terms and even grow from our greatest tragedies and catastrophes. With time, over the long term, people can adjust, can find new meaning, and can even find meaning in their child's harm or death. It seems to be at the foundation of our nature, of all nature to recover and get well.

You can thank your children for doing so well at their job giving you the chance of learning how to manage your fears so you can work at sparing them. Being a parent is being a scared parent.

Happy Parenting.

The Best Parenting Help?

2009-02-03T06:23:00.000-08:00

If you are like me, you are always looking for the best, you're always looking to be the best.

As a parent I am looking for the best parenting help I can find. But what is the best? I have struggled with this for years.

One day I came across D.W. Winicott's idea of "good-enough" parenting. He was talking with an anxious mom and he said to her, "You don't have to be the best mommy in the world. You don't even have to be a good mommy. You just have to be good enough"

What a relief!...

But what does this mean? While, I can't really say, it makes sense to me and I have a sense of what it means. Sit with this. Ponder it. Don't you, too, get a feel for what it is to do "good enough", to be "good enough"? If not, give it some time. It will come to you.

If you are like me, your need to be the best will wane. Your need to find the best parenting help will soften. Don't get me wrong, you'll probably still want to be the best and to find the best parenting help. It is just that you will no longer take that need so seriously. You will find that you move past that to a better idea - the idea of being and doing "good enough".

You may find that this is not the best parenting help you have ever read. You may think this is not even good parenting help. Hopefully you will find that it is good enough.

Happy parenting.

You don't have to be a parent alone, even if you are a single parent. Reach out. Contact me. Send me you comments and questions.

For more resources and information go to http://www.bestparenthelp.info/

Parenting Difficult Kids

2009-02-01T08:26:00.000-08:00

Are you stumped parenting your difficult kids? Are your kids driving you crazy? Are your kids oppositional, argumentative, defiant manipulative ? Maybe these words will help.

Concept: " Let your children do whatever they want when you can and take charge when you have to".

This was the response I read a long time ago to the question, "What is parenting in 25 words or less?" The profundity of this simple idea has never left me.

I was struck by the realization of how I as a parent had done just the opposite. I recalled all those times I had imposed my will at times when it would be just fine to let my daughter do what she wanted, like the time I took my daughter, then three, for a walk and she stopped to look at a flower, but I thought we should get all the way around the block in the 15 minutes I had; or the time she wanted to play Sorry, but I thought she should practice reading; or the time she wanted pancakes for dinner but I thought they were only for breakfast, or the time... Can you relate?

Likewise, I thought of all the times I had avoided taking charge when I had to, like all those times I had told my daughter to do something and she refused or ignored me and I let it go.

A recent example of taking charge that impressed me was when my great niece, almost three years old, was at the dinner table during Thanksgiving dinner. In her playfulness she became too rambunctious and loud for the event. Her dad gently tried to re-direct her and have her tone it down. After three failed attempts to accomplish this gently, he assertively and somberly asked, "Do you need to go to your time out chair, or can you tone it down? Whereupon she quickly decided she could tone it down.

A corollary: "Avoid power struggles at all costs, but if you have to get into one or find yourself in one, make sure you win."

To be in a position of power (the parent) and not exercise it when needed can be terribly upsetting and confusing for our children. It would be like being stopped by a cop for violating the law and then not having the cop exercise her role. Yeah, we might be relieved to be getting away with something, but at the expense of feeling secure that things are "in order". Children in this situation can escalate their inappropriate behaviors attempting to find the limit, and we can find ourselves increasingly floundering and frustrated parenting increasingly difficult kids.

More Info: BestParentHelp

And some books:
Amen, Daniel: New Skills for Frazzled Parents
Dreikhurs, Rudolph: Children the Challenge
Gottman, John: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Siegle, Daniel: Parenting from the Inside Out
Winnicott, Donald: Talking to Parents

Parenting - The Hardest and Most Rewarding Job

2009-02-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

It recently struck me that parenting may be the hardest job in life, and the most rewarding.
I recently realized that I have a lot of experience and knowledge that could help -
Just a life-time of study, work, and experience.
It recently occurred to me that I have a great feel for kids and what it takes to relate to them.
I just decided that I wanted to do something about this.
I want to get the word out.
I want to share information and resources.

Here is one resource to check out: BestParentHelp

And some of my favorite books:
Amen, Daniel: New Skills for Frazzled Parents
Dreikhurs, Rudolph: Children the Challenge
Gottman, John: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Seligman, Martin: The Optimistic Child
Siegle, Daniel: Parenting from the Inside Out
Winnicott, Donald: Talking to Parents

If you are a struggling parent and want support, talk to me, send me your questions.
If your friends or family members are struggling parents send this on to them.
We don't need to do this alone.

Best Parenting Help

How To Get Reassurance

Helping Your Children Find Their Way Through Fear

A Way to Help Your Child Through Fear

What Do I Teach My Child About Wisdom?

What do I teach my child about how to live their life?

Hear what Einstein had to say,"There are two ways to live your life: One is asthough nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle."Find more wisdom at WisdomPhoneCounseling

Freedom

Teaching Your Children How to Right the Wrongs They Have Suffered

How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be When You "Lost It"

How To Be The Best Parent You Can Be

How Do I Get My Child To........................?

How to Handle Defiant Kids Once They Have Become Defiant

How to Handle Defiant Kids by Avoinding Defiance in the First Place

How To Help Children Who Are Afraid of the Dark

How To Solve Bedtime Problems

"Mom, Where Do Babies Come From?” - Parent Tips On How To Start This Conversation

HOW TO DEAL WITH TANTRUMS

Parenting Do's and Don'ts

What To Do When Your Child Misbehaves

Parenting - Requests vs Demands

How To Use Discipline In Parenting

The Role of Choice In Parenting

Being a Scared Parent

The Best Parenting Help?

Parenting Difficult Kids

Parenting - The Hardest and Most Rewarding Job

Hear what Einstein had to say,
"There are two ways to live your life: One is as
though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle."
Find more wisdom at WisdomPhoneCounseling